Now that we’re on a first name basis, I wanted to take this opportunity to get things started off right. Although we’ve only been acquainted these past five days, it’s been a bit of a rocky beginning. What with the bottle of Moet induced hangover on New Year’s Day, followed thereafter by the four-day-sinus-cold-ear-drum-wrenching-snot-fest that resulted in my watching ALL episodes of The Hills marathon despite my hitherto successful swearing off of an LC-free season.

That said, I’m willing to overlook these early slip-ups in the hopes that we can be more than just friends. 2010, I want to love you! You’re all sparkly and new and have yet to disappoint! I know you’ve got it in you, so let’s do this thing. Let’s run away together and never look back. But before we do, there’s a few things you should know. I have a few expectations of you…

• A raise and a bonus. FINALLY. You know it. I know it. After a 26 month dry spell, this is the year for that cost of living increase. Bring it.
• No more credit card debt. That goal of paying it all off before I turn 30? Yeah, it IS going to happen!
• The ability to make various and sundry soups. The soup cookbook and sieve have been purchased, and the crock-pot is primed.
• An updated resume. It’s been five years, a new laptop, and three versions of Windows since I last saw thee.
• The launch of a career-related blog. Still in its “inside my own head” stage, I hope to one day use it as a credible source for new job opportunities in corporate blogging.
• Travel. Travel. Travel. The Bahamas, Alaska, San Francisco and Napa, London, and the Dominican Republic are all on my radar.
• A real summer. Seriously, can we all have a bit of that this year? No more, “Oh, it’s June now…maybe it’ll warm up to a brisk 55 degrees and the tulips will finally be allowed to grace us with their presence.”

Now, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. In return, I promise to always think of you fondly…just as long as you don’t go all 2009 on me, okay?

Kisses,
nic

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I need an intervention. A Hills intervention. Someone (preferably Dr. Drew) please pry the remote from my fingers and change the channel to…to….

See, that’s just it. There’s absolutely nothing on the TV on Tuesday night. MTV got wise to it and moved the show from Monday, thus maiming my benign intent to casually ignore it for The Rachel Zoe Project instead. Alas, foiled again.

There I sat, dead-eyed and mouth agape, watching my maturity wane as Kristin Cavel-whats-her-name threw down with (perpetually upward gazing) Audrina approximately 4.2 minutes into the season premiere entitled, “It’s on Bitch.” It turns out, the title stems from what Kristin yells at Audrina after an ill placed spat over resident vagrant, Justin Bobby.

It was at that point that I muted the TV (baby steps), opting instead to call my Mom and indulge her affinity for telling me what she’s “eaten” throughout the day (a yogurt, four carrot sticks, 2 liters of water, a banana, oatmeal, and a boneless skinless chicken breast).

Sigh…I miss Lauren. She finally decided she had enough, had outgrown life on the show. I’d like to say I’ve outgrown watching it, especially since she’s “graduated.”

Now, if only I can remove the season pass from my Tivo. Tricky, very tricky…

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Heidi Montag!!!! (In my world, chicks can be toolbags too.)

Seen here with her pseudo-boyfriend, Spencer (I say “pseudo” because, as you know from this week’s The Hills episode- or for those of you out of the loop or who pretend to be “above it”- Spencer moved out of their shared apartment because Heidi wanted “some space”), Heidi is blissfully unaware that he may in fact have his eye on somebody else’s taco (yeah, that’s right, I said it).

And this is where the toolbag qualification comes in. Somehow to Heidi, calling off their engagement, kicking him out of their apartment, and refusing to see or speak to him STILL means they’re together and he shouldn’t date other people.

Is she fucking kidding me? How does that logic work? That’s not a feminist hero, that’s just plain stupid. And when guys pull that shit and string women along, it’s not only not commended, it’s grounds for really creative retaliation for wasting our time (let that be a warning to all would-be offenders).

I realize it sounds like I’m coming in on Spencer’s side here, but let me assure you nothing is further from the truth. He is the toolshed wherein toolbags are kept. And as much as I enjoy the awkwardness of the above photo, I hold them both accountable for defiling Taco Bell like that. Despicable.

Even so, in a surprising turn of events, I affirm that Heidi, and not Spencer, is the toolbag this week. Turns out on top of her toolbag logic, she’s also a Republican. Makes me *almost* feel bad for McCain.

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