Afterthought
Tuesday, January 17th, 2012
My exes never seem to be very far from me and the realization, the reminder, gives me pause.
A few weeks ago I received a text from a phone number that was like a ghost whispering in my ear, “Remember me? Thought you’d quite forgotten?”
The strangest thing about this particular text is that I managed to recognize the long-deleted number from the guy who stopped calling me and blew me off when I was sick with whooping cough one January THREE YEARS AGO.
Happiness that you deserve, he says. How nice. How quaint. How flimsy and pointlessly offered. Why this? Why now?
Please don’t misinterpret my annoyance and disgust for conceit. The thing is, it’d be one thing if it was a fluke, but it’s not. His unnecessary text is not unique.
At 31 years old, I find that one of the most insulting things about dating has been the “after-the-fact” one-two punch of many an ex-boyfriend/ dalliance. Months later. Years later. After no contact whatsoever. No friendship. No nothing.
Why is it that my worth, my “value,” to these men is only evident once I’m in their rearview mirror? Why can’t they see what they have when I’m sitting in the car beside them? Ex after ex after ex after ex…they find their way back and want….what? What do they want?
The truth is, I have nothing more to give them. They’ve gotten the best of me already, had their chance, and I warned them. Be sure you’re done before you say it. This is the last of me you will have.
There is no more going back. And yet. There are texts, emails, Linked In invites, Facebook requests, and tweets cluttering personal and work inboxes left and right. Clawing at my eyes, my consciousness. More requests. More demands. They cling to my legs as I wade through the present. How do I go forward when I’m dragging around so many yesterdays? Where can I go, where can I look, that they have not yet papered with their inquires?
I have nothing for these men who used to know me. There is no piece of me that remains that they would be content to have. My heart is tired. My will to converse with them silenced. My unkissed lips have gone cold. My insatiate desire waned. I am no longer the woman they knew. “DIDN’T YOU TAKE ENOUGH OF ME LAST TIME!” I want to scream.
It occurs to me that I have not burned enough bridges. I have not been a bad enough girl to release these former somethings from their attempts at rekindled knowing. Rather than lash out or maim with words or deed, I retreat within myself and do not respond.
Happiness that you deserve, he says. Happiness. You. Deserve. I deserve.
What happiness might that be? Surely none that any ex-whatever can give me.
This is so well written, and so spot on. Why must hindsight be 20/20?
Anytime I receive a text like this, even if it’s from an old friend or fling, I have to imagine that they’re in some terribly dark place in their life and don’t have the strength to create enough light to pull them out, and they expect me to share my brightness and light their candle with my flame.
Eff that.
Though, I do think that even though it’s only in retrospect that they realize your awesomeness. I think it’s more of a testament to their stupidity than your brilliance. Totally on them.
I agree with Jenn, this is so well written and spot on.
I think the answer to this “Why now” is its a feeler text, and the best response is no response. Yes random ex-whatever, your right, I deserve all the happiness in the world and none of it will come when I am making you feel better about yourself by saying “I forgive you” or anything like that.
Like the other have said, this is brilliantly written and absolutely spot on.
It’s like they send these things to clear their consciences, figuring, in some stupid boy-logic, that wishing for your happiness makes whatever they did or didn’t do okay. Or that, like Jenn said, they realize what a bright light they held when they held you.
Love you, lady!
Holy shit Nic, get out of my head! This is a gorgeous post and I relate to it so much.
Especially the part where they have to “be sure” before they end things. Because once it’s done, it’s done. There is nothing left after that.
Men need to live with their decisions and let me move on from there. Don’t continually punish me by giving me hope after your bad decision.