Two Weeks Notice
Tuesday, May 10th, 2011So, I have some news. I’m moving in with my boyfriend. In 14 days. The decision was made over a month ago and I’ve wanted to write about it ever since, but it hasn’t exactly been a happy occurrence. In fact, my days and insomnia-filled nights have been rife with doubt, anxiety, disappointment, and grasping at whatever optimism I can find. I’m moving in with him, the decision has been made, it’s time. But…things aren’t exactly great.
We’ve reached that point in our relationship where we’re more friends than anything else. Friends who supposedly still love each other and want to be together, but friends nonetheless. Neither of us is content with the development, yet neither of us for all our communicating about it seems to be able to do anything about it either. We’re kind of stuck and we’re not deluded enough to believe that moving in together will change that, although it certainly would be nice if it did! The fear is that we’ll simply become roommates. Heavy sigh.
In the meantime, the days pass by and I do not pack a single sweater, fork, or towel. Instead, from my perch on the couch that is still mine, I look at all the books and pictures and pillows and candles- all the things I’ve acquired over the past six years in my apartment- and wonder what I will do with them now. As imperfect as my apartment is, I find that it is still difficult to give up.
For six years, it’s been my home. While everything around me seemed to change- jobs, friends, boyfriends- it’s been my comfort, my safe place, my sole source of stability. And now that stability is going away. As much as I’m choosing it, the decision is unsettling to me. What if it’s a mistake? What if I’m not really ready to give up living alone? When will I feel like I have a home again?
As for my boyfriend’s take on my moving in, I can’t quite articulate his misgivings for you here. I worry about raking him over the coals or misrepresenting his perspective. The easiest thing for me to do is say, on the one hand, he agrees we might as well live together, that it could be 10 years down the road and he’d still have misgivings about it. On the other hand, he is vocal about all the ways in which he feels this is a bad idea, all the ways in which he believes he’ll be responsible for everything, and how ultimately it isn’t going to be a positive experience for either of us. In the end, we retreat to our corners, to the silence and space of our separate residences, each thinking how we’ll miss the ability to do so in the coming months.
Given these realizations and confessions, one would begin to wonder why we’re moving in together at all. Why indeed. Is it shamefully inadequate to say deep down it’s what we both want in the long run? That it’s where we’re headed eventually anyway? And that with my lease ending now and his ending in December, now is the time to do so? Not exactly the most romantic decision, in fact, it’s pretty tactical more than anything, but it’s all I’ve got. Regardless, it’s also perhaps why I’ve been feeling disappointment about how this is all playing out.
For my part, maybe I’m mistaken. I genuinely wonder how it’s supposed to feel when you’re on the cusp of moving in together, when you’re taking the next step in your relationship. I’ve never been here, have never lived with a boyfriend. I guess I sort of thought it would be a good thing, that it might involve excitement or happy anticipatory conversations about putting the bookcase here and hanging this picture there, planning meals together, and talking about what it will be like to come home to each other each and every day. No?
I may not know what it’s supposed to feel like, but I’m moving in with him in two weeks’ time. Somehow though, I still feel like I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who wanted to live with me.
I am sorry to read that you are not looking forward to this. Does it matter that much that the primary motivation seems to be practical (pls correct me if I am wrong)? I ended up living with Boyf because I said I wanted my own space, he happened to come with me to the first flat viewing I went to and realised that my choices matched his criteria and so, “why not?”
It wasn’t exactly romantic! And it has been difficult. Whilst it’s hard not seeing all my things around me like I had envisaged (and he’s here like, ALL the time dude) it’s also been lovely climbing into bed with him after a night out.
There *are* moments of excitement but probably not the moments we see via movies or read in novels or even hear about from others.
Your moments will be your own.
take care.
Aw, this makes me sad, because I’m a hopeless romantic and I tend to have large amounts of hope that these sorts of things can be all perfect and happy. I hope this turns out to be a good thing for you, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that I hope the moving in together works, I just hope it means you find what you need.
I’m thinking good thoughts for you guys and hoping you will both be happy living together. Not that you’re soliciting my opinion, but it is a bit unsettling that both of you seem to have a lot of reservations about this decision. Moving in with someone you love should come with some reservations — that whole fear of the unknown — and also excitement about the future. It saddens me that neither of you seems to have that excitement. Keep us posted on how things progress and know you have a lot of folks (myself included) rooting you on.
What an honest post. I so totally agree with the first comment, you will make your own moments and I truly hope that it does work out for you. Practical is good and perhaps having reservations beforehand, rather than looking at it all through rose tinted glasses will be a useful thing. The romantic in me wants it all to work out, just so you know… I hope you find what you want and need, Nic x
Part of me wishes you were excited about this move. It’s supposed to be a next step in a relationship that’s moving forward, not in one that is stagnant. That said, it doesn’t have to be permanent. Maybe you move in and find you really like sharing space with each other. And if not, there are plenty of other rentals in the city.
I’ve been mulling this over using my own past experiences. I always appreciate your honesty so I hope I don’t offend you with my response to this. Nobody can really know a relationship except for the two people in it but for what it’s worth:
In truth my first reaction was to envisage a warning sign and I had the urge to tell you not to settle. To ask you to question whether this was what you wanted for your future.
Then I thought about how some people might view my own relationship and the fact that I’m happy to be with somebody who willingly spends half the year (at least) on another Continent, and who approaches things with more practicality than I’d sometimes like.
Even though I’m a hopeless romantic, I despise bullshit: moving in together will have its difficulties and I think most people have their reservations. It’s good that you’re both being honest about this. Once you’ve made the move and adjusted, you might surprise yourselves – perhaps cohabiting will lift your relationship from ‘friends’ status as you will be actively sharing your lives?
I think the main question you have to ask yourself is: will he be careless with your heart? If you can trust him with that, I think you can overcome most things.
But I do wish you could be excited and I really hope things work out x
hi dearie. im glad that you were able to write about this here finally. i hope just getting it off your chest has given you a little bit of relief.
i agree with those that say that no one can really know another’s relationship but the two in the thick of it, actually living the day to day relationship. i think it’s good to go into this with your eyes wide open, just taking it one day at a time. nilsa is right, this may be the very best thing ever, and if not, that’s okay too. you aren’t making any permanent promises, you’re just changing your address. and i think that in time, you will find a more comfy spot together. and i also am a firm believer in comfy also equaling butterflies. sometimes it’s the sitting on the couch in silence, watching an episode of something on netflix, you drinking wine and him his favorite beer, that the butterflies come. hang in there honey, and write it out if you can… you are so good at it. xoxo