A Middling Place
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010I haven’t written in nearly a month. Instead of writing, I’ve been cooped up with my thoughts. I can’t seem to escape them. I can’t seem to articulate them. And I can’t seem to come to much of a conclusion except to say I keep feeling like life is passing me by.
All around me my friends and family and coworkers are busy getting engaged, planning weddings, buying houses, redecorating, adopting children or getting pregnant, bringing home new pets, starting new jobs, celebrating births, anniversaries, their children’s birthdays. The people in my life are moving on and I’m watching from the sidelines.
How ridiculous! How pathetic! Don’t worry, I think it too. Why shouldn’t all of these things happen to those I love and care about? Why shouldn’t all of these things happen to anyone really? What could be more normal? And, what does any of it have to do with me?
I ask myself these pointed questions when I begin to compare my life to theirs. I search myself for envy, jealousy even, but I come away with nothing but this astonishing feeling of loss. It’s strange to admit, but it feels like I’m losing my relationships with those I love because I cannot and do not foresee an ability to relate.
I don’t know what it’s like to be engaged or to plan a wedding or to be married. I don’t know what it’s like to buy a house or redecorate. I don’t know what it’s like to have a baby or adopt. I can be there and listen and support, but I can’t actually know. They announce a pregnancy and I announce that I tried falafel for the first time. Awesome.
I’m in a middling place. I’ve reached a certain level of comfort in my life; have everything I need. But, now that I’ve gotten to where I was headed, where do I go next?
Admittedly, for myself, I don’t have much interest in the path my friends, family, and coworkers have taken/ are taking. At one time I may have felt differently, but in questioning what I want now, I couldn’t care less about having a wedding, I’m petrified of having babies, and I see no point in owning a home.
And yet, I don’t know what I want instead. What does adulthood look like without those social norms? Like college? Like my early twenties? Like those years before we’re all supposed to “settle down”? And what happens if I don’t ever “settle” down? Am I simply settling for more of the same? More book-reading and TV-watching and Gap-shopping and rootless trip-planning? Is this all there is for me?
Why isn’t there a guide for someone like me? Why isn’t there an Alternative Map to Life for Those Who Have No Interest in Social Norms?
I think there is no guide because you are supposed to make your own and draw your own map. There’s no right or wrong way to live, really, just do it your way. I think the people who live outside the confines of ‘normal’ have more fun anyway.
Oh my gosh, I HEAR YOU. I’m 27, single and not upset about it, really don’t like children, and cannot fathom ever having enough money to buy real estate in NYC (and move somewhere else? never). I totally feel like some of my friends are pulling away from me, even ones that are just in relationships (let alone wedding/baby fever), because I still enjoy going out and exploring all that NYC has to offer and they just want to snuggle on the couch with the significant other. I have no problem with my lifestyle and am fully confident that if I never get married I can still lead a happy and fulfilled life, but am I destined to grow old without friends if everyone gets all suburban family on me and leaves? Will I just be forced to continually pick up new hobbies without a baby to take care of? I feel like we’re supposed to feel like some sort of pariah if we aren’t on our way down that path.
Girl I am in the exact same spot. I feel a lot of my friends pulling away from me because they’re engaged/married/in relationships or settling down in other forms and I’m not…yet. I am absolutely feeling like I’m at this crossroads again of feeling like I finally got some of what I want and not sure what I want next to start working toward. But I definitely feel more alone at times because of that. We need to hang out again, we always have the best talks
Holy shit, you took the words right out of my mouth. I love my friends, but I have zero in common with them right now. As a result, I’ve branched out and made friends with people who are in the same place as me.
Hey Nic – you are amazing. Your friends love you and you have a great, great life. Not having much to relate to in their lives isn’t worth mourning over because you know what, they are probably looking at you and hearing what you have to say and tihnking “wow, that was cool… I never tried falafel yet”.
*hugs*
PS. You don’t need to know what you want instead. When what you want is staring you in the face, it strikes me (a stranger) that you take it.
To all of you, thank you for still reading! Hell, I thought everyone would have given up on this blog after no new content for a month! And, more importantly, THANK YOU for writing the comments that you have. You should each be getting a love note in your email shortly!
But, in the meantime, please know that your encouragement and support and understanding has surprised and truly comforted me. Damn it. (After all that lovey dovey talk, an arbitrary swear word seemed appropriate as punctuation.)
Dude, dude, YES. I’ve been feeling the same way. But thought there was something wrong with me. As of today, I’ve got four weddings to attend next summer. And while I’m happy for those friends, I’m just not there, I can’t relate and I feel that big sense of loss that you talked about.
But I loved RondaMarie’s comment. Let’s make our own fucking map!
[...] I’m not there and neither do I particularly want to be there right now. After I read this post I decided to let go of this notion that they’re on the right path and I’ve fallen [...]
The thing is, all those things – getting married, having children, having a good job so you can buy the house and the car and send your kids to college… They really ARE just social norms. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a different lifestyle. No need to conform. I think the whole thing is overrated. Live life in a way that makes you happy.
I like this post a lot.
In some ways, I was you. It’s not that I didn’t want the things I saw my friends getting. But I was definitely on a different trajectory than them. Life happened to me later than it happened to a lot of my friends.
I found the best way to continue relating to my friends was to take interest in their lives, even if it was different than mine. Asking to see their new home or meet their new pet. Allowing myself to daydream about the life I’d like to have one day … or allowing myself to be incredibly thankful that wasn’t my life … both of those things are relating to your friends, if you can believe it.
And then, I also found it incredibly important to keep a set of friends who were in the same stage of life I was. Whether they were interested in all those domestic things in the future or not didn’t matter … what mattered was being able to celebrate *this* time in my life with others in a similar boat. Because you know what? There’s not a damned thing wrong with wanting your own life the way it is, even if it’s different than some of the people around you!
I absolutely adore this, because are you completely right. If we’re all unique individuals, as we were told countless times growing up, why do we all end up in the same place? With the same paths? Why does it even have to be considered “Alternative”??
[...] Loving this post over at Nic Narrates..{see here} [...]
“Why isn’t there an Alternative Map to Life for Those Who Have No Interest in Social Norms?”
When you find out, will you let me know? For real.
I’m in the EXACT same spot in my life. I’m 28 and my friends are all in serious relationships, married, having babies, having SECOND or THIRD babies, buying homes, etc etc etc. And then there’s me. I am not settled, can’t imagine owning a home or getting married or having kids–things that usually coincide with the words “settling down”, something I’m apparently deathly afraid of. I want all of that but at the same time, I’m happy being single. I’m happy with my life the way it is even if it’s not up to social norms.
Granted, living in NYC this was normal. I was normal. All of my friends were single and I never really noticed the marrying and the babying and the house-buying. It wasn’t until I moved to Boulder that I really started noticing the relationships and everything going on–because people here are much more…not so single-centric as NYC can be.
We’ll find our own path! Somewhere…