Nic Narrates

I’ve been a bad little blogger lately. I haven’t been writing, reading, or commenting. I’ve watched my Google Reader run amok and have simply sat by. I’ve fallen terribly behind.

I’ve been a bad friend lately too. I haven’t been making plans, haven’t been emailing or calling, even texting. I’ve gone quiet without warning or explanation or declaration. It’s been weeks.

I tell myself every day that I should, but day after day I don’t write, don’t call, don’t email, don’t make any effort to do anything more than what I must. I know that writing or talking about these things can be cause for alarm and I don’t want that either. I just don’t know what else to say…this is my apology for not being the person I’ve been, I guess. For not being a better blogger and friend. I know it is more my loss than yours.

I don’t expect anyone to understand or forgive or listen to my whiny bullshit.  No one should have to read a blog post like this, worry about “what it means,” see it as some kind of cry for help or something. It’s not. But if I’m going to maintain this space as something anywhere near authentic, this is all I have to say right now.

In the absence of blogging and being a friend, I’ve spent time quietly alone. Not always, but a lot more of late. Except for going to work and the occasional dinner with my boyfriend, I’ve become a bit of a recluse actually. I haven’t grocery shopped in over a month, haven’t done any dishes in as much time, haven’t kept up with the laundry, haven’t made my bed, haven’t read the pile of magazines stacked alongside the coffee table, haven’t made much effort to shower even. I just haven’t.

Instead, when I come home from work each day, I retreat to my bed, sometimes still fully clothed. When I don’t drift in and out of sleep, I think about how I used to be such a hard worker, driven, determined; a real planner. And now, now I’m just tired.

I inhabit the life I worked so hard and for so long to build and it turns out it doesn’t fit. It’s not working out. I’m tired of my day to day patterns, tired of the same conversations, the same people, same food, same clothes, same music, same walls and streets. Tired of putting on make-up, asking about everyone’s weekend, tired of smiling even though I’m grouchy and mostly just want to cry. I’m tired of pretending I give a shit about any of it anymore.

I know this means I’m not a nice person. I know I should shut up and stop complaining, should seek change. But like I said, I’m tired. I’m paralyzed by my lack of motivation- not only for small things like washing my hair, but for big things too. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to push myself anymore. I don’t want to work hard to get more money or a better job. Don’t want to save up for a better apartment, a house, or a car. Don’t want to plan my next vacation even. All I want to do is lay in bed all day.

Knowing this, I feel trapped and stuck. I feel incapable of being a blogger or friend right now. In all honesty, I’m incapable of being much of a girlfriend either. I feel like I have nothing to give, only these self-centered thoughts playing on repeat. It’s not anyone’s fault and no one can make it better or go away. It’s just the way things have been for a while now, how things will be for me for however long it stays.

The truth is, the only thing I do want to do is hide. I wish I could take a day, a week, a month, however long it takes to feel like I miss these things, this life. I wish I could feel like I want any of it anymore, wish I could recognize how lucky I am and be happy for fuck’s sake. Or, at the very least, recapture my former detached acceptance, my patient tolerance for it all.

But, this is where I am right now, treading water somewhere in between.

Filed under: blogging about blogging, depression, wakefulness, work in progress by Nic