Nic Narrates

Someone told me the other day that they thought I’d make a “great parent.” I have no idea what prompted this statement from them. One minute I’m nodding my head in mock-understanding of their child ferrying travails, and the next they’re envisioning me as a Mommy. They didn’t even buy me dinner first. GASP!

Generally, when this sort of invasive statement is flung at me and my frightened ovaries, my go-to response is to laugh it off. Me? With kids? Ha! What a HOOT! But, truth be told, who’s to say I wouldn’t be a Great Parent? Especially when I imagine how I would talk to a child, let alone actually “parent” one. I flash forward and see myself reacting thusly…

Yes, sweetie, I see that you are VERY upset right now about this LONG ASS line at the Jewel…what’s that? Oh, okay. That’s cool. Maybe kick and scream a little louder though. It looks like you’re starting to scare people away.

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So….about this outfit you have on. What’s your mind frame in terms of functionality? I mean, do you really think a superhero cape will be necessary for sleeping? I’m not saying it isn’t, but you know, blankets are warm too and we don’t want to be discriminatory of various textiles.

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Let me get this straight- you went into the bathroom, conducted your “business meeting,” reported all went well and that you ALLEGEDLY washed your hands, and then you realized you forgot to remove the appropriate layer of clothing required for said business? Do you realize you just fast forwarded to what your frat years will be like?

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Wow, you’re really hitting that Go-Gurt hard today. Big plans later? A scuffle on the playground? A mid-afternoon nap date? A texting- triathlon after African drums class? Yes? No? Maybe so?

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Um, excuse me. Did you just say “shit head” and use it in the right context? Where did you…never mind. Carry on. Just don’t let your teacher hear you call him that.

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No, of course we don’t love the dog more than we love you. You’re our kid and you’re MAGICAL and irreplaceable. It’s just…the dog can’t talk back and that’s kind of awesome.

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I don’t know, kid. I mean, yeah, this year’s carnival rides are kind of crappy. But look at this way: you’re only six and now you know how most of the rest of your life is going to feel.

Ah, parenthood! Come to think of it…yes. Yes, I would make a magnificent parent! Obviously.

Filed under: awesomeness, childhood, educating the masses, haterade, hellacious fun, jaded, Just Another Day in Crazy, mothering, must be a sign, romper room, things people say by Nic