Nic Narrates

Over the weekend, I was out running errands around the city and found myself in the Loop on State Street. If you’ve never been to State Street, then imagine a place where wandering homeless persons and panhandlers gather alongside packs of high school children loitering aimlessly. Now, add in hapless strollers being driven into unsuspecting ankles and upper thighs by clusters of wandering tourists looking for Marshall Field’s on the otherwise over-widened sidewalks.

With the noise of city buses and honking cabbies, the screams of the crosswalk signals, the smell of urine and sewer, and the veritable maze of people in various states of movement that mostly involve standing in your way; you have State Street.  

All in all, it is an assault on one’s senses. It makes me want to yell SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!  At babies. And old men. And people asking for money. Which brings me to my point…

On Saturday, I came across what may be the most creative, if misguided, epitaph on why someone needs money. The kid, he couldn’t have been more than 19 or 20, looked so sad standing there with his wobbly cardboard. His eyes- and I looked him in the eye, searching his grimy face for reason- looked so earnest. He didn’t look back at me long before putting his head down as he leaned against a street sign post.

I have to admit, I was almost affected by his demeanor. And then I read what it was that he wanted the world to know, what it was that had him asking for money. In black block letters, he had written:

PLEASE HELP. GIRLFRIEND KIDNAPPED

BY NINJAS. NEED MONEY 4 RANSOM.

Yes. Apparently, he was doing it all in the name of love. And ninjas.

I have to hand it to the kid- that’s one way of looking at a break up. I mean, looking back, I guess I too could have been asking for donations to stage my counter maneuvers for boyfriends who were “kidnapped by x-box,” “kidnapped by that ho-bag on match.com,” and “kidnapped by a mysterious ‘I just need to be me’ persona.”  I mean, how else does one explain it? That’s obviously the real reason they were unable to return my phone calls. Anyway….

Standing there contemplating the audacity of the kid’s claims (holy crap, could you imagine if it was actually true?!), I almost wanted to give him money for the sheer ridiculousness of his reasoning. Almost. In the end, I guess his girlfriend, and all of my ex-boyfriends, are going to have to sort out their own ransoms.

Filed under: awesomeness, break ups suck more, city encounters, creative time management, hellacious fun, jaded, Just Another Day in Crazy, poor choices, things people say by Nic