True Story: What I “Learned” in Sex Ed
Monday, March 1st, 2010Perhaps it should first be noted that these random MAGICAL musings are brought to you by some wicked 3 a.m. insomnia. So, whilst lying in bed tweeting and challenging my Google Reader to a duel (you may say 78 unread, but I. Will. Win.), my mind wandered to some, er, different places. Apparently, a lot of them are sex related.
In the wee small hours of the morning, I decided that I don’t like it when people and/or dudes refer to their junk as “meat.” It’s grody. Also, grody? This boyfriend I had in high school who would seriously go around saying “hot beef injection” all the time. Shocker that didn’t work out.
Speaking of schooling, whenever someone starts talking about licking butts I always think of cholera and how in seventh grade biology I had to give a report in front of the whole class (on cholera, not butt licking). I nearly hyperventilated when I realized I’d have to actually say “diarrhea” as part of the symptom description. Thankfully, by some eleventh hour stroke of future Thesaurus Rex wordsmithing skills, I said “flu-like symptoms” instead. Whew! Seventh grade was hard enough without also being known as “Diarrhea Girl”.
Incidentally, seventh grade was also my first introduction to Sex Ed, which ABSOLUTELY FAILED me. It was at that time I was instructed that boys have things called “nocturnal emissions” and was shown a video of a woman shooting a baby out of her lady bits into a bath tub and OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP, THE HORROR, MY EYES MY EYES!!! That image will forever be seared into visual memory. And to think, I had hitherto somehow believed that babies came out of a girl’s belly button. Yes, really.
As for learning anything of value- like how to kiss, or how to have the sex exactly- I remained at a loss and would be forced to continue scouring my Seventeen and YM magazines for clues. I also remained clueless about oral sex, believing it was when you and a boy talked about having the sex. This continued until I was, oh, 15 when a dude actually broke up with me after failing to convince me that people did that sort of thing. Yeah….
Anyway, back to the butt licking cholera. I learned, thanks to some super sleuth pre-Internet research (seriously how did we actually learn about anything back then?), that contaminated water is the cause. So, when someone takes a side trip over yonder, doesn’t that just pose potential exposure to a concentrated form? I mean, what if some microscopic dookie particles are still present? Boom! Cholera. Or something like that.
Moral of the story: don’t call your junk “meat” because apparently it gets my mind to thinking about these things.
Um…I don’t even know what to say to this! Bwahahaha. While all points are valid, I would never associate butt-licking with cholera! And I’m an epidemiologist! But it could happen. Hmm. Scary.
The one question I want to know is: what about your parents?! Did they seriously tell you babies came out of your belly-button?! I have decided that my kids will know everything. My mom gave me a book
Ha! No, that was just my creative imagination. Although years before, my mom had pointed to her belly button when she told my brother and I were going to have another sibling, so I’m guessing the idea stems from there.
To be honest, my parents were zero help. I saw an episode of Rosanne when Darlene gets her period, and only then did I get the book from the public library. I was 11 maybe? The book basically explained puberty and that was it. I even remember the cartoon illustrations of a boy on a diving board looking at women in bikinis and, um, you know, sporting something.
I guess I really had a time of it growing up. Somehow figured it all out- well, mostly. Maybe. Who knows.
I’m squeemishly grossed out, most likely because I’m too old to remember boo about sex ed. =)
Butt licking cholera? Haha! I can only imagine what kind of weirdos Google will direct to your website after this post.
I know, I know…it IS grody! My mind works in odd and gross ways I guess. But then you guys probably already know that!
I always thought the egg-head kids were born vaginally, but the rest of us were born “normal,” whatever that meant.
I also didn’t know what doggie style was until I was 16.