Toolbag Wednesday #26: Compiled Miscellany of Snark
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010I hate a lot of things. Besides the obvious things like Speidi, sex offenders, and people who do bad things to children, puppies and/or trees; I hate lots of random things too. So for lack of a more productive use of this Toolbag Wednesday, I’ve compiled a list for you, which also makes this the first official observance of toolbaggery in 2010. If you’re new to the blog, don’t be shy: take a gander at some of the former Toolbag Wednesdays.
Behold, my list of unabated and MAJESTIC! snark…
- I hate the abbreviated usage of the word “appetizer.” I always think of Lincoln Park douchebags who begin most sentences with “a couple of my buddies and I…” These are the same fratastic Jรคger bomb drinkers who spout “let’s get some apps” all the time. AH! Hate hate hate that. Which is only compounded these days by all the iPhone “there’s an app for that” bullshit. How about there’s an app for SHUT THE HELL UP?!
- People who don’t say “hi” back or look at me all “I don’t give a shit, you whore” when I smile politely at them as I pass by. Smile, dammit! I’m nice, despite all evidence to the contrary.
- Easter grass. The plastic static cling kind. I detest the stuff- always have. I hate how when you’re reaching for that hidden treasure (Reese’s egg), you invariably come away with the janky ass crap on your shirt sleeve, which transfers to your pant leg, which you find on the side of your couch two weeks later.
- Eat Pray Love. I proudly stand as my own one woman crusade of haterade for Elizabeth Gilbert. I think her book- and I read it cover to cover- is a misguided epitaph against mental health awareness. I should note that I’m supportive of therapists and anti-depressants from my own need for both and the benefits I’ve experienced as a result. Which is why I think it’s unethical for dear ole Lizzy to perpetuate the stigma attached to treating depression by her own ill advised decisions to treat hers with food, yoga, and a freaking man. Problem solved. Yeah, right.
- Board and/or card games, also known as my personal hell. Although I have been known to make exception for Scrabble, Uno, or Jenga. Mostly because I divide and conquer at Scrabble. Bring it.
- The words “loin,” “pussy,” “tits, “moist,” “fashionista,” “taint,” “va-jay-jay,” “discharge,” “c you next Tuesday”… hell, who am I kidding? We could be here all day. “Panty,” “vom,” “muffin-top”…
- Jeggings. Seriously people, just stop. Stop it. Back away from the overpriced stretchy fake ass denim “pants.” They cost as much, if not more, than honest to goodness jeans. And what’s with those pockets on the back? Why not just wear some effing skinny jeans and call it a day? While I’m at it, I hate crocs too. If you’re going to wear crocs, why don’t you just give up on life? Because that’s what you look like when you shuffle along wearing them.
- Sweetest Day. One word: LAME.
What gets you unabashedly snarky?
ha, i love this installment! i share a lot of the same sentiments on this stuff. never gave much thought to the easter grass, but now that you mention it, im in total agreement! and i know you’re not alone in the eat, pray, love haterade. i read half the book and never got into it… so i can’t necessarily speak to it either way, but i can say that the plot didn’t suck me in, change my life, etc. etc. that’s for sure.
Good call on the apps. I gave my own speech about it this weekend!
I don’t know where to begin. Possibly with I Love You. =)
People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold the door open for them? I usually yell back at them, “you’re welcome.” Assholes.
I’ve blogged before about not liking Eat, Pray, Love. Where have you been all my life?
Sweetest Day? Three words: My Wedding Day. (NOT on purpose – awful!)
I used to work with a girl who called sushi…”sush” for short…and actually used the word “vom” in describing her nights…it was a joy listening to her every Friday morning as she still thought Thursday nights were for partying (even in her late 20′s).
Sometimes I wonder if everyone was reading Eat, Pray, Love just becuase everyone else was…and lied about loving or understanding it…because I couldn’t even finish the book it was such drivel.
If you liked “Eat, Pray, Love”; I have another one you should try that no one is reading or has heard about. “The Da Vinci Code” is going to top the bestseller lists once it gets some grassroots, word of mouth attention. Be the first to experience this life-changer!
Definitely Sweetest Day and watching people make out in public. WTF? Or cuddlers on the bus, that is the WORST. What’s up with hating on board games? They’re fun!
Can I just say THANK YOU? I thought I was the only who thought that Eat Pray Love was a bunch of hooey. Every time I see a woman reading it in public, I want to rush up to her and knock it out of her hands like it’s on fire and I’m saving her from imminent doom. BECAUSE I WOULD BE.
Also, I know. Board games. I just can’t do it. I get BORED. Ba da bump.
But really, I do.
High FREAKING five on the whole Eat Pray Love thing.
Because YES.
One more: I HATE taking pills. I always hold them in my mouth with water, psyching myself up for swallowing and not choking on them. Which means, they melt and taste all kinds of horrible. When I’m able, I’ve taken to sticking them into food like applesauce or yogurt or even ice cream. It’s like I’m your puppy or your four year old. Sad really.