Race Relations in the Race to the Altar
Friday, February 12th, 2010I haven’t posted in a week. I’ve been stewing over something that I’m not exactly sure how to appropriately articulate, and lo and behold it has to do with another one of my friends.
There we sat, discussing a friend of a friend and the outlandish lengths she’s gone to in order to meet “someone,” expanding her geographic dating region rather than expanding her “requirements.” Apparently, she’s hit the jackpot because she found “someone,” has met him twice, and is set to move in with and marry him by year end. This is pretty much where my self-righteousness comes in. In fact, it made me go all Katie-Couric-Interviewing-Sarah-Palin up on my friend’s ass.
“Don’t you think that’s a bit ridiculous- literally expanding her Match demographic to include men ANYWHERE in the US?” I responded after noting the obvious safety risks of hasty decisions like hers.
“Well, that’s what you have to do when you’re in your 30′s and still unmarried. It gets really hard to find the kind of guy that my friends and I would marry,” she adamantly reminded me while conveniently forgetting that I am also unmarried and turning 30. GASP!
“Really? Why?” I asked with feigned confusion.
“Because. You know,” she sheepishly shrugged with a shake of her head and widening eyes.
“No, not really. Why is that? And what do you mean by ‘kind of guy’?” I pursued.
”You know. Another [insert race],” she whispered almost apologetically.
My friend and Ms. Friend-of-a-Friend have told me over the years that it’s important to them to date men of their own race because he’d “understand our culture better, our customs and holidays, food and religion.” I guess I can see the point of their argument, however, does their statement mean no other race is capable of or considerate enough to gain familiarity with their customs? Is “true love” based solely on one’s inherent knowledge of another’s cultural background? And if a girl limits her dating pool based upon race, doesn’t that fundamentally make her a racist?
Here’s the thing: maybe their take on the necessity of cultural similarities in dating doesn’t technically make them racists. Maybe there’s some loophole of cultural integrity that I’m not party to. But I simply cannot relate, and neither can Emo who reports to me that he personally “loves all colors of God’s sexy rainbow.”
The truth is, I’m white bread through and through. I grew up in a racist and anti-Semitic household, embarrassed by the comments and attitudes I was surrounded by and couldn’t control. Now as an adult, I find it shocking to see a form of my family’s thinking perpetuated and paraded about in social circles of my own choosing. It makes me feel icky in the worst way. And hearing their complaints about how difficult it is to meet someone only exacerbates what I see as a racial affront.
I understand that we all have our dating requirements, our “demographic,” our “have-to-haves” and “won’t settles” and what have you, and hold certain traits to be more attractive than others. I have my own ideas with which I contend, but over the years those ideas have changed. I’ve matured. I’ve realized that what matters most in a healthy relationship is sharing common values, an instinctual attraction, and a mutual respect. Everything else can flourish from there.
So even though I view these women as friends, I also view them as in the wrong and refuse to show sympathy for their dating difficulties anymore. I cannot and will not agree with someone who dates a race and not a person. And ultimately, I can’t help but wonder if they intend to apply the (if not antiquated, heavily frowned upon) Caste system in their potential spousal evaluations as well.
Come on, people. Dookie gets comments but race relations gets no love? Let’s elevate the conversation in here. Nic – Thanks for the comedy and the thought provoking commentary. You really should write for a living.
Okay. I’m in for a comment. I agree. It seems to me that this, like with many issues related to this general topic.
If you were in a group of mixed ethnicites, and you were the one who said you would only date people within your ethnic group, you certainly would be viewed as racist wouldn’t you?
I hazard a guess that you would.
Why does this double standard continue?
If you being gone a full week always results in posts like this, would you mind going away more often? Seriously, great post. =)
A few years ago, I trained to work with victims of domestic violence. In Illinois, that means completing a 40-hour course. Anyway, part of that course that stands out with me is the definition of racist.
From that class, racist is anyone in the dominant race using race to subordinate non-dominant races. For now, that means ONLY whites can be racist in the United States. And yes, by definition, your friend is making decisions that are racist.
From my experiences of being born in St. Louis, spending another part of childhood outside Boston, going to college in North Carolina and spending the last decade in Chicago, I have seen racism come in all colors and shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, we can’t just label it a Southern thing. It is everywhere.
Hello! Just came across your blog and I love it!
It’s difficult to write about these sorts of things and I appreciate the input from the internets on your take on the situtation. I’m sure it’s just as diffuclt to know how to comment even if you want to. I guess when you think about it, even talking about dookie is preferable to talking about the realities of racism.
I’ve dated people of several races. My parents, who are racist (I think you and I grew up a lot alike, Nic), always told me they weren’t against me dating people outside my race, they were just concerned that I would make my life more difficult by marrying someone who wasn’t white. I never felt like dating outside my race made life more difficult — not any more difficult than dating and life are already, anyway. What I learned was that, for me, it’s far more important to share a common background with someone than to share the same skin tone. I didn’t break up with the guy from Montego Bay because of his race; I broke up with him because, among other things, we had almost nothing in common culturally (he’d never even seen The Breakfast Club!
). I know that’s probably a petty example, but it’s the best way I can express what I mean at this moment.
Sorry for not commenting earlier. I’ve honestly been thinking about this post since you put it up. I too did not know what to write. At first I was astounded that someone in this day and age would admit to something like that, but I guess I shouldn’t be. I remember my dad very adminantly telling me as a teenager not to date a black man. I didn’t tell him he was an idiot then, but I certainly do now. His New Year’s resolution this year was to be more tolerant, so I think he is re-thinking things.
Back to me though. I’ve never dated a black man, but I think that may be more in line with what Kate said. I’ve met very few black men who I can relate to or have things in common. I’ve also lived outside Detroit, worked in Detroit, and realize that there are definite cultural differences. Even had reverse racism centered on me as the only white girl in a building. Boy was I made to feel uncomfortable!
But that’s not to say that I never would. I had a very good friend in London who was British but his parents were from Africa. He wanted to go out, but I said no on the grounds that I only liked him as a friend. Race had nothing to do with it. I just don’t think like that.
I find it shocking that people still think like this to this day. I know these issues are around, but every once in a while it pops up in your face to make you take a good hard look at your own ideas about things.
Oh, and I secretly hope that one day these women will take one of those DNA heritage tests and find out they are a mostly a % whatever race they don’t want to be. Then what will be they do?
I came across your post and simply had to write something down. First the definition of race as we understand it is actually culturalism and not “race” at all.
The notion of race is nearly as problematic from a scientific point of view as it is from a social one. European physical anthropologists of the 17th and 18th centuries proposed various systems of racial classifications based on such observable characteristics as skin color, hair type, body proportions, and skull measurements, essentially codifying the perceived differences among broad geographic populations of humans. The traditional terms for these populationsCaucasoid (or Caucasian), Mongoloid, Negroid, and in some systems Australoidare now controversial in both technical and nontechnical usage, and in some cases they may well be considered offensive. (Caucasian does retain a certain currency in American English, but it is used almost exclusively to mean “white” or “European” rather than “belonging to the Caucasian race,” a group that includes a variety of peoples generally categorized as nonwhite.) The biological aspect of race is described today not in observable physical features but rather in such genetic characteristics as blood groups and metabolic processes, and the groupings indicated by these factors seldom coincide very neatly with those put forward by earlier physical anthropologists. Citing this and other pointssuch as the fact that a person who is considered black in one society might be nonblack in anothermany cultural anthropologists now consider race to be more a social or mental construct than an objective biological fact.
Bearing in mind how humans can become fearful about things they don’t quite understand I have no doubt that there are still people in this day and age that would rather not date outside of their community whether that be defined by skin colour, financial standing, politics, religious viewpoint education etc…
Do I think its right? I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t choose that for myself and that I find it sad that people still do cos I think they’re missing out.
Apols for the humungously long comment.
I came over from Nilsa’s blog this morning. This is a great post. I have friends who consider themselves open minded who make very similar statements, it always makes me sad.
This is such a hard topic and I think you put it out there quite well. I’ve noticed lately that with almost all equality issues (which I feel racism falls into) that there has been a vast improvement through the decades.
Example 1) My great grandmother had a hard time looking at one of the new grandchildren that was black from a mixed relationship. I do not inherently believe my grandmother was necessarily racist but from a different time where she was never exposed to this. (I live in an area of VERY LOW ethic diversity)
Example 2) My father was apparently raised with a racist father. I remember stating once that I found a black man attractive and his was response was “You’re just asking for trouble”. My jaw dropped and my eyes went huge as I stared deftly at him. It was sometime during the 2000′s and couldn’t believe these feeling still existed.
That all being said I feel like my generation is seeming to be much more open with relationships of different color, culture, gender, etc. More tolerable in a lot of aspects really. While I hate that there are still these injustices and stigmas that exist in society I at least have the hope that in my life I see them improving and becoming less of an issue. That right there is what I like to take out of the whole big mess
Thanks for the great post and thanks to Nilsa for linking me over here.
I love that line “date a race and not the person”. It makes me proud that you’re from Chicago. Love your writing! xxxx.