Plight of The Dookie
Friday, February 5th, 2010I don’t like buying toilet paper. It’s necessary, yes. But it’s also expensive and stupid and it’s such a waste. Also, I think it’s embarrassing.
I once saw this girl on the sidewalk, walking all purposeful, with her arms wrapped around an ungainly pack of toilet paper. I was with my boyfriend and we were having brinner outside as she rushed past. In that moment, I saw the slight smirk on her face and the “caged animal eyes” and I knew.
“That girl is going home to take a massive dump,” I declared. We laughed because it was funny. But also because it was TRUE.
In retrospect though, I feel a certain kinship with that poor girl and her plight. Yes, she had to poop. Yes (sorry to burst your bubble, Emo), girls do poop. That’s what butts are for (despite what your porno tells you). And yes, that means that I poop too.
In fact, because I have had IBS for TWELVE FREAKING YEARS, I am known to be rushing to and fro quite often. Imagine knowing that every time you eat- no matter how good the restaurant or how healthy the food- there is a 65-80% chance (which jumps to 100% if I eat lettuce or other leafy greens) that you’ll experience what you would recognize as a cross between the stomach flu and food poisoning. That is my life. Awesome, no?
So yeah, I have to buy A LOT of toliet paper. Like all of the time. And because I live a block from the Jewel, I buy my own ungainly 12 pack of toilet paper, then haul the fucker home to the entertainment of many an omnipotent bystander. Unlike the girl on the sidewalk, however, I try to tuck it under an arm or pretend I’m wandering nonchalantly back to whence I came.
La la la… no one needs to poop here! What was I doing? Oh yeah, just picking up this totally useless chunk of plastic encased paper. Of course it’s not even for me!
In reality, I’m avoiding eye contact as I slink home, downtrodden and ashamed of my butt’s proclivities, of my “irritable bowels,” of my need for triple-ply quilting. Hello, My name is Nic and I poop.
It’s posts like these that make me thankful I drive to the store and have a garage, allowing for the least amount possible of public embarrassment!
You’ve got it completely right. I think it’s worse than buying tampons too because at least that box is small and you can stuff it in a bag. This? It’s like you’re a giant billboard for bodily functions! I HATE it. Boo.
Speaking of tampons… I was at the CVS in my office building and the tampon aisle is regrettably the same as the protein bar section. I’m standing there perusing the many flavors for my afternoon fake chocolate covered cardboard fix and there must have been 15 women looking at the tampons. It was as if the whole Loop had synced their cycles. I quietly snuck away… hoping to get on the bus for Lakeview before the police car burning and store window smashing started downtown.
That’s hilarious! I luckily have a CVS next door, so can sneak out late at night while no one is about. Although I don’t really care about someone seeing me with toilet paper. It’s the tampons and condoms that I cringe about.
p.s. Also have IBS and TRULY understand. But LETTUCE?!? That sucks, I’m sorry. Mine is eggs. Or apples. Exercise and smaller portions seems to help though. Or you can keep writing hilarious blog posts
I think smaller portions help as well. I also eat A LOT of carbs. I call breads and cream of wheat my “safe foods.”