Baby Shower Bamboozling
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
Kill me now.
Can someone please explain to me what the hell a “Couples Shower” is? Because I just don’t even know anymore.
My friend Mara, the same one who got married in all kinds of annoying ways, who went AWOL after ascending to the state of wifedom, and who is now in the family way; has sent me a preemptive “baby” shower invitation via email. While I anticipated this invite, I am completely thrown by her version of it. She’s turned the requisite 3-4 hour baby shower experience into a day long/ overnight extravaganza complete with BYOM (Bring Your Own Meat for grilling- nevermind that it’ll be March and only 30 degrees outside if we’re lucky).
The whole concept of this event annoys me. I simply cannot understand why she has to turn a typical celebration like a wedding or a freaking baby shower into a major production. Why can’t she just do what is expected in these situations? What the hell is her deal?
As for inviting spouses/significant others, maybe I’m missing the point here, but what exactly are the invited men (all husbands/fathers except for my boyfriend) going to do at this “Couples Shower”? Eat pink and blue frosted cupcakes? Play pin-the-diaper on the baby? Commend the diaper cake bringer for her craftiness? Fake smile as the soon-to-be-mom unwraps breast pumps and the like? Really? Why would I EVER want to expose my boyfriend to that kind of nonsense?
I cannot fathom how or why it would be appropriate, let alone expected, that men participate in such antics. I don’t even want to participate. I’d rather just send a fancy gift; spend a little extra to compensate for my absence. Especially since it’s a six hour drive round trip and the shower is scheduled for the first weekend of March Madness. Salt in the wound, people. SALT.
Regardless of my utter confusion and subsequent scheduling crisis, I feel obligated to attend. I feel obligated to smile and ask questions pertaining to Baby, to act like I give a shit. Maybe it makes me a bad friend to admit this (and there’s no way in hell I’d ever say this to her because you just don’t do that sort of thing), but I don’t give a shit and with good reason.
She’s always told me she never wanted kids, even on “her” wedding day she said “maybe in a few years” she’d think about it, and then swiftly capitulated to her husband who was adamant about having kids immediately. Sure, it’s her choice, but why should I also have to capitulate and support a decision I think is wrong and unfair to both her and the unborn? Does my friendship mean I’m required to be complicit, to condone what I view as a mistake?
I have to wonder though at my apparent inability to feel genuine happiness for her. I wonder why I can’t just be a good friend and be more supportive. It’s her life, her marriage, her choice to have a baby if she wants and it has nothing to do with me. In spite of all that, the truth is she can knock herself out calling this “Baby Couples Shower” whatever she likes. I’ll still be wishing I was watching the college basketball tournament instead of participating in what I feel is nothing short of a train wreck.
oh man. so i know what this “obligation” feels like. also though? i know how good it feels to say NO (politely decline) something that you really don’t want to do. it’s freeing, to use your time on something you WANT to be doing, rather than feel you SHOULD be doing. i think if it were me, i’d politely rsvp “no,” send a gift (because that’s the right thing to do), and feel validated and right in your decision to do that. why not spend the time and money you’d devote to the six hour drive, cute outfit for the shower, etc and have a romantic day with your man? then you can take heaps of pictures and frame them all around your apartment, and invite her over.
muahahaha.
brookem:
Your comment = fucking awesome. Love the idea about the pictures and am laughing my ass off right now.
THANK YOU!
Oh my god. I’m breaking out into a rash just thinking about it. And it’s not even my situation!
I say do what brookem says.
Also, I really, really hope I do not become one of those ME! ME! ME! people when it finally happens for me. I already don’t crave the spotlight, and I picture myself as a girl who won’t overexpose her wedding or make others feel obligated to NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!
I’m sure that could change when I get engaged, but I shudder to think.
Perhaps this is your introduction to one of these wife-swapping extravaganzas that apparently all white, pent-up, suburbanites are into nowadays. Sweaty fat people with goatees and Wal-Mart lingerie massed into one big pale pile for a homemade tape a la any Hollywood starlet pining for her big break. HD video cameras are cheap these days.
Maybe “BYOM” is a euphemism for bringing your own meat… but not to grill. Oh, Lord… where is she putting that frosting!
I think you paid your dues with her. Especially if it’s a bring your own meat and overnight deal. Seriously, send a gift and be done with it!
If it makes you feel better, we have a kids birthday party overlapping with the Superbowl. And you know what? We’re skipping it. A whole host of reasons why. Instead, we’re trying to get together with the kids and parents at some other point.
If one of my friends wasn’t going to have fun at my shower and really didn’t want to be there, I wouldn’t want her there, either. What I would want, though, is for her to be honest with me and figure out another way we could spend some meaningful time together.
LOVE these comments!
In all honesty, I’ll probably still go out of obligation. I wish I could say she’d understand if I were unable to attend or elected not to, but I can’t help feeling it’d be friendship ending. Terrible to admit, even after everything I’ve ranted about today, but given how we’ve grown and continue to grow apart, maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing…
You guys have given me courage! Thank you!
I’m definitely with the ‘don’t go, you’ve paid your dues’ crowd. You may actually find that politely declining the invite will enable you to feel happier for her. And I completely agree on the concept of a couples shower being ridiculous – I’m just glad we don’t really do baby showers over here!
I hate baby showers more than anything. Shower games are not funny or cute. Don’t feel obligated. Send a gift and save yourself!
Trying to get into the spirit of things, I emailed asking for more information about the event, in particular what men do at “Couples Baby Showers.” Her response?
“The guys are going to hang while the women do gifts.”
So there you have it.
Oh god. I hate these forced traditions — shit you feel like you have to host or have to attend just because everyone else does. I also can’t believe your friend is inviting dudes. I can only imagine the arguments going on inside the homes of the men and women who were invited, the men refusing to attend while the women (who probably don’t want to go either) tell them not attending would be rude and detrimental to the friendship. BLARGHHHHHHH.
I also agree that you should skip it and send a gift. You are a grown up, and if you truly do not want to go, then you should not feel obligated to go, especially (as others have said) after doing your “duty” with the wedding.
Finally, if that is what this friendship has become a “duty” and an “obligation” that you feel like you have to do, even though you do not WANT TO, then is it really a friendship you care enough about for it to matter if not attending would mean an end to the relationship? Maybe you’ve just gone different ways in your lives, and it is time for your friendship to reach it’s natural end?