Nic Narrates

My boyfriend texted, “Love you” to me before work this morning. It wasn’t the first time he’d told me, but I cried this time too. I sat there on my bed, with one boot successfully zipped up my left leg and the other looking woeful next to me, and I cried. Without sound or expression, I cried. Big, hot, unceremonious tears.

He knew I needed to hear it. Without asking or addressing it, he knew. He saw me. “I don’t say it a lot because it’s just the way I am, but I know sometimes you need to hear it.”

Yes.

I’ve been having, I guess what you could call, a strange time emotionally. I feel guilty writing about this given all that’s happening elsewhere in the world right now. Whether it’s on the scale of the earthquake in Haiti or the real medical illnesses of loved ones that I read about on other blogs; I’m a narcissist to feel this way, to write about being sad for no reason at all. I wish I wasn’t this way, but I am.

This time of year is always difficult for me and I’ve learned to expect it like a dreaded house guest who is prone to overstaying their welcome. I’m someone who is chemically predisposed to depression as it is, so without much sunshine at this time of year, I tend to wilt. Just like a plant. In fact, I have a prescription for and need one of those seasonal affective disorder sun lamps. And beach vacations.

I also need words, sentiments, like his. To feel loved and wanted and that I matter. I’m lucky, so lucky, to have love like that from him.

Filed under: a thing of beauty, depression, i hate winter, just say 'when', knowing, quiet desperation, things people say, this is now by Nic