My Ever-Lasting Bra Strap Fishing Expedition
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010It really is never ending, people. And I just don’t understand it.
I go to Victoria’s Secret. I get fitted for a bra (don’t get too excited boys- no nudity or boob fondling is involved), which is generally a sad experiment because each attempt seems to yield a different result. 32B. 34A. 34B. Triumph! They’re getting bigger! 32A. What the fuck!? Then, I proceed to try on the box of bras they stuff you in the fitting room with. Also, a sad experiment. I hate, loathe, want to find the original designer of said bras and ask him what the hell he was thinking by making a bra that requires a BOOKLET with step-by-step DIAGRAMS to put it on properly.
Of the 6 or 7 bras left in the bra box, I seem to always end up picking the most sedate and comfortable. This bra is an everyday bra. It goes to work and goes grocery shopping. It folds laundry and watches the Barefoot Contessa (Why is that by the way? She is neither “barefoot,” nor a “contessa.” Hmmm…). This is not a sex bra. This bra does not know how to flirt or blow kisses or blow anything for that matter. If you’re lucky, this bra will order online for delivery make you dinner.
This is the same bra I was wearing one day, as I sat at work complacently talking to GDF and Emo, when something happened. There was movement. The right strap didn’t slide downward, no, this time it simply GAVE UP. It popped off its latch and became ”untethered.” Which is precisely when the front of my bra and the little booblet in it began to keel forward. I’m free! I’m free! Moo-ha-ha-ha. I imagined her saying. The strap had failed, and as my chest subsequently ran amok, I ran to the Ladies to latch that shit back down.
Which is why I have to ask; how is it that after everything I’ve been through to find this “practical” bra- when I’ve forgone any hint of sexiness for comfort and have shelled out $45 or more- that (at best) the bitchass thing goes on holiday down the sides of each shoulder? Is it afraid of heights? Is it secretly rebellious and wants me to think it’s a sex bra after all dammit? Are my shoulders abnormally “slopey”? Is that even a word?
We may never know the answers to any of those questions. We may never know. But what we do know is that you can’t return a bra like that because “it’s been worn” and yes, that would be gross and/or wasteful and the very opposite of green-friendly. This bra is thus still in the rotation, and wouldn’t you know I’m wearing it today!
Which means I sit here typing and every few lines finds me digging at my raging under boob and surly straps. Apparently, they seem to think Today Is The Day they’re going to make it to my hitherto illusive elbows. And at this point, I’m apt to say fuck it and let them.
i hate when this happens! ESPECIALLY when you spend the big bucks.
I hate bra shopping. HATE IT. It seems like the smaller your boobs are, the more difficult it is to find something that fits properly and doesn’t make your nipples look weird. That said, the best bras I’ve found are at Target. They’re $12. And they last forever. Booyah!
Moral of the story: Victoria’s Secret has cute bras. They even have everyday bras. But, their sales staff are from from expert in the sizing department. And many of their bra styles, while cute, just aren’t functional.
Only recently have I been able to break my VS addiction to shop for better bras.
I am so glad you wrote about this because I have been wondering if I have misshapen shoulders/boobs for the last year. I went so far as to take pliers and fold the latch shut forever, but damn VS steel is stronger than me.
Hi Sarah! Thanks for your comment. I like your MacGyver-like problem solving! Come to think of it, maybe I should start taping the damn straps to my shoulders! That’d teach ‘em!