Just Think of “Oliver”
Friday, January 8th, 2010Last July, my boyfriend was laid off, then hired back a week later- albeit with a demotion that has taken him seven years back in his career with a major cut in pay and removal of any bonus options. I didn’t write about it at the time or since because he specifically asked me not to. But he just called with some more news and has basically told me, “have at it.” So…
Here’s the thing: although he is still employed and lucky to be, since being “rehired,” his job situation has continued to be precarious and the whole experience has proven demoralizing for him, resulting in six months of depression and emotional withdrawal. It’s affected everything. The way he talks. The way he sleeps and doesn’t sleep. The way he dresses. The way he eats. The way he dates me. The way we do, and mostly do not, hmm hmm these days.
And the situation has taken its toll on me as well. When you love someone, the things that happen to them also happen to you. When you see them hurt, you hurt. When you see them struggle, you struggle. For months, my heart has ached for him. I’ve struggled to be supportive, to make him laugh, to let him mope, to initiate plans or meals or the aforementioned hmm hmm. I’ve tried to be there for him in all his moods, but it’s left me feeling drained and saddened and resentful that all of this LIFE (how dare it!) has intervened. It has literally derailed our relationship from what it was headed toward; changed it irrevocably, robbed us of those early carefree romantic days.
But I still fell in love with him. Against my nature, I still somehow kept my heart open and gave to someone even though he’s sometimes unable to give back the way I need him to. I feel bad for saying anything at all, but it kills me to feel so alone all the time. And yet, I stay.
I truly believe that just because the person I love is having a difficult time, is mired in a depression that I can understand but cannot fix for him or make him do anything about, it is no reason to turn my back and walk away. He is still the same person to me. He is still fun to be with and makes me laugh. He is still “present” when he finds the will to be. He is still supportive of me in all the ways that are unique to him- helping me with my blog, with family and friends drama, with stress when I’m feeling overwhelmed or upset. We still make time for one another and communicate honestly and openly about everything- even breaking up. And, most importantly, we still care deeply for one another.
So when he calls like he did just now to relay that this HATEFUL M.F. SHITHOLE ASS HATTERY FUCKSTORM is likely to continue, and perhaps reach new ASS SUCKAGE heights (in 30 days he finds out what happens with his “new” position that is now also being eliminated), then follows his call up with an email of the following video (it’s his ”happy place”- he loves dogs and this commercial makes him smile); I know him well enough to know just how bad it is. And it reminds me that I love him for little things like this, and that I want him to be happy at any cost…even if it means he has to move away without me to find a new or better job elsewhere.
that’s really shitty, and im so sorry that both you and he are going through this. it takes a strong couple to stick it out even when things are at their very best. but when things are hard, when times are exhausting and life gets depressing, that’s when it’s even harder to stick it out. but you two have, and i give you props for that. you can learn a lot about someone, and about yourself, going through trying times together.
it’s my sincere hope that you two can pull through this stronger than ever. i hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes asap!
I think you are so very right in saying that you learn a lot about someone when things get less than desireable. I think in a lot of ways that’s been the case for us. It’s forced us to get to know one another more deeply and much earlier than we might have otherwise. I guess no relationship is ever perfect, or not for very long, so the fact that we are where we are today and that each of us knows that we can count on one another, certainly makes all the difference.
Thanks for your comment today.
When I got married, my husband and I went through pre-marital counseling, at the request of his parents. One of the things their pastor discussed with us (my hubs and I) is the idea of a 50-50 relationship. It’s a fallacy. Rarely is a relationship 50-50. Maybe, in the long run, it averages out to be 50-50, but there is always someone giving a little more and the other taking a little more. And the pastor stressed that there are times we have to be willing to give 100%, move all the way over to the other side in order to make things work. So, even though you’re not married, I think you’re really beginning to understand that in life, relationships are rarely 50-50. And so long as in the long run, things even out (i.e., you know he’ll be there for you during some of your darker moments), then giving like you are now is so totally worth it.