Nic Narrates

I’ve spent the first days of 2010 stuck home in bed/ on the couch with a sinus cold, which means I’ve also spent them watching TV- a lot- and one of the commercials I keep seeing is for eHarmony’s “Free Communication Weekend.” It brought me back.

A long, long time ago in a decade now passed, I tried my hand at eH. I took the FREE! 29 dimension personality questionnaire and seven hours later (seriously, that thing is like the SATs!), I was…rejected.

But, thinking “user error,” I tried again. Another seven hours later, it spit out my new personality profile and told me about myself and the type of man I should meet. Somehow though, I missed the part where it told me “you do not want to have children.” Which explains why I couldn’t understand how eH kept picking random guys that also did not want kids (I’m amazed they let any of us in). eH had me pegged all wrong and the whole little experiment went awry from there (and by “there” I mean “when I signed up”).

For the month I was on their site, I never got past their lowest “communications” levels and never connected with anyone. From what I could gather, it’s a place that’s chocked full of grown adults who are ready and really do want to meet someone, but who are also afraid of The Process and who can’t seem to help themselves. I’m honestly amazed that anyone meets anyone on that site, what with all the warnings about talking to someone too soon and the regulated build up to “communication.”

Half the time (at least it used to be the case), you don’t even know if you’d be attracted to the person until you’ve already begun talking. A simple glance at a photo could tell you if it’s even in the realm of possibility for you to be attracted to the person. From my experience, eH seems to be the place where all the timid, really short (i.e., 5’5″ to 5’7″), and/or totally bald and “afraid to show their photo” guys go to hide out. I don’t care if that makes me sound mean or whatever because it’s not a site to “make friends.” It’s a site that ultimately is about you meeting someone to love and, gasp, fuck. So if “IT” isn’t there, then what’s the point?

My feelings about eH are thus: if you wouldn’t go to church to “mingle,” and wouldn’t accept a “fix-up” from your pastor in order to meet someone, then don’t join eH*. Because people like me, someone whose headline ought to read “Mostly Just Annoying” or “Takes the Lord’s Name in Vain” are probably in the wrong place.

*Don’t even get me going about how eH is probably just a front for the Conservative Christian Right and how it’s used as a recruitment tool to propagate the species.

Filed under: creative time management, hateful, haterade, jaded, Just Another Day in Crazy, poor choices, sickness sucks, singletons by Nic