Nic Narrates

Funny story: I cut my hair over the Thanksgiving holiday. I say “funny” because I look like I am now in the witness protection program. I cut over SEVEN INCHES(!) of my hair off and dyed it FIVE SHADES(!) darker. Although I CHOSE IT(!), I can neither confirm nor deny that I have buyer’s remorse. I like it, I think, but I’ve had long hair for most of life and I guess it’s been a bigger part of me than I thought. That said, I refuse to act like one of those “models” on America’s Next Top Model who bawls her eyes out when Tyra makes her over. Mostly, I’m trying to figure out how to change my make-up to befit my new look and how to take pictures well (read: I currently feel something akin to a sea hag).

Which is why after seeing my new hair without salon styling, I figured it was time to pony up for a straightening iron. After purchasing one today, I was amazed, as a novice hair straightener, at the sheer amount of instructions. You’d think it’d be a pretty easy thing to figure out…1) Plug in iron and turn on, 2) Wait for iron to heat up, 3) Slide iron down section of hair, 4) Repeat, 5) Turn iron off when finished.

Instead, the straightening iron manufacturer has taken the trouble to provide much more detail, most of which can only be described as downright asinine. It makes me *almost* feel bad for the manufacturer’s legal department who clearly had to imagine all the ways that people could misuse the product and still hold them liable…

“DO NOT use while bathing.” I’m pretty sure that even five year-olds know not to do this. Still, there are probably crazy multi-taskers out there who think they can outwit the humidity of a bath, let alone electrocution, by both bathing and straightening their hair at the same time.

“Never use while sleeping.” I’m sorry, but what? Obviously, that would be a bad idea, but it begs the question. If you’re sleeping, how are you supposed to reason yourself out of straightening your hair? And how will you know if you are using it while you’re unconscious? I mean, what if it doesn’t work very well so you only wake up with semi-straight hair? Also, is this like sleep-eating and does it only apply to those taking Ambien?

“Never operate this appliance if it has a damaged cord or plug…return the appliance to a service center for examination and repair. NOTE: _______ does not have an authorized service center.” Sooo, um, call it moot?

“Never drop or insert any object into any opening.” Yes, it really says that. From the wording, I gather that whether someone claims to have intentionally inserted or “accidentally dropped” the iron up their butt or “any other opening,” they are a fucking moron and should instead be sued by the product maker. The end.

“DO NOT let eyes and bare skin touch heated surfaces. Use the handle.” I don’t know about you, but my eyes don’t typically need “straightening,” nor do they use handles.

“DO NOT use outdoors or operate where aerosol (spray) products are being used or where oxygen is being administered.” This wouldn’t be so ridiculous, except that when you’re styling your hair, you’re probably using hair spray which is most often dispensed in an aerosol can. Also, I guess all the Blue Hairs out there are going to have to choose between having assistance breathing or having straight hair. It’s a tough call really.

All in all, I have to say I’m so relieved that the manufacturer took the time to clear all of this up for me. Let’s just hope I can figure it out from here.

Filed under: awesomeness, creative time management, educating the masses, neither here nor there by Nic