Man-Boys: What’s a Girl to Do?
Friday, November 13th, 2009It may sound like that tired old adage, but I have to ask- exactly what does a man serve to gain by getting married anymore when he seemingly can get as much, if not more, by not? Or, alternatively as my friend Emo says, “why lock it down when you can get The Ill-Freaky Na-Na for free?”
I read an article today in December’s marie claire about the new male midlife crisis, the whole premise of which is to shed light on the growing and disturbing trend of man-boys who remain in long-term relationships with “keepers” whilst refusing to “put a ring on it.”
According to the article, “the old [male] midlife crisis was triggered by the pressure and routine of providing for a family that relied on a guy for survival; the new one- which comes before kids, often before marriage- stems from trying to keep up with a woman who may not need him at all…[who] offers a financial safety net, the patient acceptance of his neuroses, and blow jobs in equal measure.”
For me, the article felt very familiar and, for the most part, rang true. In a lot of ways, I feel I’ve lived it. Whether it’s been in a long-term relationship of my own or even a brief encounter with a hot/then cold guy, I feel certain I know this terrain well. And I’ve come away feeling that I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. The younger guys just want to play, want me to be aparty to their friends-with-benefits schemes. The older ones want the ego boost of a younger woman, making me an accessory to the crime. So what’s a girl like me to do?
In my case, I’ve historically struggled with Big Talkers, guys who promise much and follow through on next to nothing. It’s not that they won’t commit per se, but that they make it sound like- or even worse promise- that they will, that they want to. In the end, when *shockingly* they do not, I wind up feeling like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like a failure; that I’ve failed the relationship test, failed to be good enough.
It’s a horribly disheartening downward spiral. And all the while I see my friends go on and “master” the whole relationship thing, get married, and live The Dream- or somebody’s version of it at least. I look at them and wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why am I deigned not good enough? Why am I not the kind of girl for whom men want to ensure is theirs “forever”?
It’s sad and pathetic and everything you’re not supposed to admit, let alone write. Still, it’s how I inevitably feel each time another relationship ends and/or a guy intimates that a real relationship is not what he’s after, that “hanging out” is how he likes to operate.
The thing is, I’ve ridden that carousel, enjoyed it for its merits, and reached a point in my life when I’ve elected to relinquish my ride ticket. I may not be gunning to put on a white dress and call it a day just yet, but neither am I rearing to enter into a going nowhere fast relationship situation. But we were having fun, weren’t we? they say with that checked-out shrug. Yeah, “we” were having fun until one of us wasn’t anymore, until one of us realized that the ride you’re offering circles into PERPETUITY. Dicking around would be the phrase, I believe, with the accurate appendage providing the appropriate personification.
Guys like that, the carousel guys, are as the article claims, “part of a cause-less generation…spoiled as kids…now they want to spoil themselves as adults. The old cliche was that a man would wake up one morning and realize that he wanted his youth back. The new version is that he never reached adulthood in the first place…[he] feels entitled to fun; sacrifice is not in [his] vocab.”
There’s truth to that, if we’re to indulge in generalizations (and let’s face it, the article and this post are rife with them), but what about the man who has grown up, who has also chosen to debark the carousel (and maybe even cash out of “the circus” altogether)?
It cannot be ignored that I am in a long-term relationship again and that this very topic has arisen a number of times between us. It is, in truth, a hotbed of residual baggage for both he and I. He’s older, has been married and divorced without children, and has his own strong opinions about the matter. And I…haven’t.
I spent most of my twenties in an LTR that resulted in couples counseling and not much else. Sprinkle a handful of disinterested He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You man-boys throughout for good measure and you’ve got a fairly accurate depiction of my adult dating life. So, no, I haven’t had any of the experiences that my boyfriend has. I haven’t even been given the chance.
Perhaps the article best captures our stalemate: “he wonders, do I really want to fill a slot, to be the final check mark in her idea of the ‘perfect life’?” And I wonder, is that how it comes across- as a check box? Is that really all it boils down to? For me and/or for him?
Without resolution between us, I read articles like today’s and ask myself who’s got it right, who’s the more “evolved” party? The modern woman who’s independent, successful, well-rounded, and doesn’t need a man to provide for her beyond the provision of “love”? Or the modern man who’s fun-loving, successful, appreciative and supportive of her merits, but who doesn’t need marriage or babies to find happiness or “completion” in a relationship? Is it possible for these two “modern” halves to make for an honest and happy whole relationship? Or did women’s lib simply fuck us all over- men and women alike? Where the hell do any of us possibly go from here?
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