Preggers Scare ’09
Thursday, November 12th, 2009
No, thank you.
I mostly blame that show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” Have you seen it? Who am I kidding, of course you have. That thing is like a freaking car crash. You don’t want to watch it, but you do with that perma-frown of disgust on your face. In fact, if you’re anything like me, you don’t stop at just the one episode, but instead wind up watching all six while TLC marathons the hell out of that shit.
And it’s the same thing over and over; you know what’s going to happen, but it still sucks you in. They’ve got it down to a science. More often than not there’s a toilet scene when the woman gets all confused by what she’s just produced, which is typically when the producers cut to the testimonial from the actual new mother. Every time, every single time, the woman makes a point of saying she didn’t even get to have an epidural. Natural childbirth, she says with those wild I-could-cut-a-bitch eyes. That show is the best birth control ever. Speaking of which….
Yeah. I didn’t get my period last month. I mean, like, at all. For the first time ever in my life. How messed up is that? And the real treat is that because things have been so busy with work and weekend plans lately, I hardly realized I’d missed it until it came time to start a new pill pack. Ooops.
The thing is, I’ve never been one of those girls. You know, the kind who freaks out that she’s pregnant every month and talks about it incessantly. I had a friend in college like that and would make fun of her by drawing pictures in her notebook during American Literature class of an oven with a bun in it. She didn’t like that very much. Anyway…
The whole thing kind of reminds me of when I was 13 and I’d read Seventeen or YM magazine and there’d always be that one article about the one in a million I-Got-Pregnant-But-Didn’t-Technically-Have-Sex/Must-Be-From-A-Toliet-Seat poster girls written as some sort of cautionary tale…BEWARE! IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
So despite assurances from my doctor and a glowingly stellar performance by my pee (way to make that minus sign as a clear as day!), you can be damn sure I kept thinking back to that TV show. So what if the test said “no.” My body’s every ache, craving, and odd ailment said “yes.”
Of course, I thought to myself, I don’t know I’m pregnant either. Of course my recent onslaught of insatiable mid-day hunger isn’t a tape worm as my friends joke, but instead the Thing-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named-But-Begins-With-The-Letter-B’s demand for nourishment. And of course, all of my excessive sleepiness is less a result of subsisting on five hours of sleep a night than the physical exhaustion of cell division. Cell division!
You know, come to think of it, I always was bad at math. Let’s hope it stays that way until further notice.
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