Nic Narrates

Today’s a bit of a Big Day around these parts. The host city for the 2016 Olympic games is announced (it’s between Tokyo, Rio, Madrid, and Chicago…which of these doesn’t belong?). As a resident of this vast, teeming metropolis, I can tell you that no matter what you’ve heard, Chicago is clearly “the shit.” Observe…..

• O’Hare Airport is now ranked only the second worst airport in the U.S. for delays. Give us a business travel renaissance and we’ll be back on top in no time!

• Our Olympic delegation sported the President and First Lady….and Oprah. Because she’s from here too and she, like, got a president elected.

• Speaking of which, we’re the home city of the country’s first Black president. Look how non-racist we are!

• We have a strong sports tradition. The Chicago Cubs are (in)famous for their 100 year+ title drought, “which is longer than any other major North American professional sports team.”

• I live approximately 23 miles from my workplace and our top-notch public transportation system whisks me there and back in only 3.5 hours each workday.

• We have the best logo, duh. (I mean the illegal one, but the legal one’s not bad too.)

• Last year, our murder rate was higher than NYC and LA for the second time in a decade. Holla!

• Unlike other candidate cities, we don’t have to worry about how to fund the games. Buy or sell, we are political corruption done right.

• We’re Lovers of Life….two years running!

• Not to mention our 10.25% sales tax-only the nation’s highest!

Filed under: awesomeness, crash and burn, educating the masses, haterade, is janky the same thing as wonky?, jaded, must be a sign, poor choices, vote on by Nic