Nic Narrates

A friend of mine is turning 24 later this week. Twenty-four. She looks more like she’s 19! The really funny thing about it though is that she actually thinks she’s getting old.

Call it a design flaw of my mind, but I can’t help thinking about what I was like at her age (and yes, I realize that makes me sound like I’m about 80 years old…oh, you kids these days!). I can’t help but think of all the things I hadn’t yet learned about life and about myself. What I thought I wanted, what I thought I’d “have,” where I thought I’d be. What, if anything, I’d go back and change.

Admittedly, 24 turned out to be a bit of a pivotal point for me. If I hadn’t made some of the choices I did at my friend’s age, 29 probably wouldn’t look like it does for me now. I can’t quite reconcile myself as to whether that means I hold pure regret or vague curiosity.

In particular, I wonder how different I’d be with different outcomes. If I’d be happier, more innocent, less jaded, mayhaps with fewer under eye wrinkles. If I’d be blissfully unaware. I wonder if, in general, I’d have more optimism than I seem to muster these days. I’d venture to say I’ve certainly been shown countless reasons not to be. Reasons to be pessimistic at worst, doubtful at best.

But, I guess it can’t be helped to be shaped by the experiences of, the indelible mark left by, the choices I’ve made. I like to think though (and sometimes cling to the notion) that I haven’t, that I am not, limited by them.

Still, I’ve come away questioning myself and my apparent inability to trust my instincts. I’ve come away with a fear of making the same lapses in judgment. Of finding myself in similar situations and still, well, fucking up.

If I’ve learned nothing else in the last few years, it’s that there’s nothing I hate more than a lie. But that I’m also strong enough to survive it.

Filed under: boys suck, break ups suck more, card games hurt my feelings, crash and burn, crossroads, dirty laundry, jaded, just say 'when', knowing, people should be nicer to each other, poor choices, quiet desperation, singletons, so what if i scream?, things people say, wakefulness by Nic