On Growing Older But Not Necessarily Up
Friday, July 31st, 2009These days, it seems that everywhere I turn someone is engaging, gestating, and/ or decorating.
Another friend of mine is getting married this weekend, GDF and her husband got their house and are decorating, baby shower on my b-day friend had her baby, one of my cousins and his wife are expecting, Mara and her husband are “trying,” another friend is closing on her condo next week, and my own brother is shopping for engagement rings. I guess you could say it’s been an eventful summer. For everyone else.
Admittedly, I have very little to contribute to conversations about these sorts of things. Take for instance, a recent round-robin style lunch discussion amongst my home-buying friends. Back and forth they went discussing mortgage rates and wall colors, home inspections and carpet cleaners….and then it was my turn to fill them in on what I’ve been up to. And…cue the crickets.
Mouth full, I smirked a “nada” and was quickly supplied with my own status update- “And you….YOU have a new(ish) boyfriend!”
Is it terrible of me to wonder about a statement like that? To think it a bit ridiculous, if well-meaning? Is that really the only “thing of merit” I have going on?
Taking stock, I own that there isn’t all that much to report. My “major events” in recent months include vacation, paying off debts, a drama-free relationship, planning my next (and our first) vacation, and bangs (yup! I took the plunge!). In comparison to my friends and family, you can see why these “events” seem so….miniscule? Irrelevant? Flimsy? Pointless? Immature?
As more and more people in my life “get on” with the whole Life thing, I’m seemingly stuck in a time warp. I have the same job, the same apartment, and am living much as I always have throughout my twenties, though with less hand-me-down furniture thank God! Still, I’m far from the “adultness” I once envisioned for myself.
In all honesty, very little about being 29 is what I thought it would be for me. I don’t say that with disappointment or regret or even envy. It’s just that, now that I’m “here,” I mostly feel like I’m playing at being a Grown Up.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve seen all the Grown Ups get married and buy houses and have babies, so I guess you could say that’s what I always thought being a Grown Up was about, what it was supposed to look like. The thing is though, I still don’t feel old enough to join in with any of it and I haven’t. The idea of doing so, of making those permanent Life Choices riddles me with anxiety and doubt. Weddings and babies and home buying seem to turn my stomach these days in new and alarming ways. It’s like I get cold feet just hearing about what my friends and family are up to.
For me, I think being a Grown Up might have less to do with joining in than choosing not to.
I know how you feel. I did get engaged in February, but right now, we are just in the “saving” and “paying down debt” phase while everyone else I know is actually planning weddings, looking seriously at houses, or doing majorly cool and fun things every weekend. I’m enjoying my life but it’s definitely “crickets” whenever I tell people about my weekend/life. Though playing house and adulthood isn’t all bad. The responsibility, while higher than in college, is still low. I’m definitely not ready to take on the stress of everything else.
I commend you in choosing to take your own path knowingly and confidently.
If discussing mortgage rates, committing the human reproductive act, and painting walls are what passes for “life accomplishments” in your circle, maybe it’s time to expand your circle. If having a drama-free relationship that make you happy seems irrelevant and pointless, maybe it’s time to rethink how *you* (and not just they) evaluate your life.
You have your whole life to settle into the mundane banality of adulthood. Until then, maybe you should celebrate, rather than lament (or feel anxiety about), the absence of these things in your life. You may have nothing to contribute to conversations on home-buying or child-rearing, but then again, you don’t have to deal with annual property taxes or midnight feedings every night for a year. That’s really not so bad, is it?
I know what you mean, if one more person asks when the big announcement is coming, I’m going to scream! I still don’t quite get why a lot of people think that having a house, or a husband, are the only achievments you can have in your life. Just because I don’t have a ring on my finger doesnt mea I send my days wallowing in emptiness.
Actually, I wish I did, maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted from my super fun weekend then!
No offense to your friends… but the women picking out paint colors and lawnmowers are the same women looking to fuck their kids little league coach after a few years of suburban “bliss”.
I always wonder, in general, how many people who “do what they’re supposed to do” — get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. — are actually happy with those decisions. I mean, did they do those things because they wanted to or because they felt pressure? Are they actually happy with their spouses and children and homes, or just happy they have something in common with other people? My husband and I own a home, but the day you hear me talking about paint colors and carpet cleaners on social occasions is the day pigs fly out of my lily white ass.
I hear you. And agree with so much.