Nic Narrates

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I have some thoughts….

First of all, HI! Second, as your ever-so-slight elder, long-time fan, and candid witness to all events paparazzi, I feel it my duty to weigh in on a few key aspects of your career and personal life.

Right off the bat, let me just say I very much like what you have going on with that shoe line of yours! I don’t know if you’re at all involved creatively or just sign off on the designs, but good job you! Other than the shoes with 5 inch heels made of plastic that resemble something the Denizens of the Pole would wear, I think your line is one of the more reliably interesting and fancy ones out there and has a generally affordable price point. Thanks for that.

As far as the whole singing and movie career, since I’ve never been a fan of country music or daisy dukes, I’m just going to politely skirt the whole thing if you don’t mind and get to the other topic I’d really like to discuss with you. Which of course is….

Oh my god, did you hear that Nick and Vanessa split up!? Who am I kidding? Of course you did! After his immediate latching on to the former MTV V-jay after your divorce, I guess cohabitating, not working, and perpetually living on vacation at various beach locales has become old hat for the pair. So sad.

Anyway, I have to wonder if upon hearing the news you a) gloated over your grits while making eyes at that Tony Romo of yours, or b) whimsically hearkened back to the days of yore when you and Nick were still “Newlyweds.” Personally, I am of the latter inclination. It’s true; I’ve been keeping the dream alive all these years.

Now, I haven’t actually revisited your glory days on DVD, but I do still own each and every episode of you two wacky kids camping and redecorating and visiting The Atlantis pre-marital discord. And, while Kendra and Hank Basquet or whatever his name is might fill the void left so discourteously in your wake, I would certainly be onboard with a “Newlyweds…Again” series. So…fire up the Pappa Joe PR machine. The time is ripe!

Yours truly,
Nic

P.S. My condolences that your nephew’s name stems from an NYC borough and Jungle Book character. The world is counting on you, as his aunt, to give him a fun nickname. Something like “Mark,” “Ryan” or even “Bradley” would suffice.

P.P.S. I know you are “embracing your curves” and I salute you for that; however, please refrain from taking part in promoting high-waisted pants. They are just wrong. You know that. I know that. And many a poor indecisive and impressionable soul out there OUGHT to know that. Let’s work together to help them see their way free of this hoo-ha hating crotchular cage.

Filed under: awesomeness, creative time management, fanciness, i heart fashion, i heart TV, must be a sign, nostalgia, questionable attire, shoes, singletons, US Weekly by Nic