One is Silver, The Other Gold
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009For over a month now, I’ve had something dismaying weighing on my mind and have held my tongue (or typing fingers rather) out of respect, then defiance, and ultimately anger. I am losing a friend.
I’ve lost friends before and am likely to again, but nothing about it gets easier with age or time. Admittedly, I used to be so pigheaded about it- walking away with little attempt at reconciliation. And in truth, there are few cases of such loss that I now look upon with regret. But of those that I do; what if I had only tried harder, if only I had apologized one more time, if only I had returned that phone call and kept in touch…if only? Perhaps it wouldn’t have mattered, but what if it did?
I struggle once more with these thoughts and questions- they eat away at me each day at work while we politely ignore one another and each night as I return home and ruminate upon yet another day wasted in silence. It is awkward, yes, but it is also a punishment I have endured and for which I now feel I’ve borne more than my due.
The disquiet that has resulted from the affront I unknowingly and unintentionally submitted my friend to and for which I swiftly and wholeheartedly apologized, has grown so disproportionate that its effect is not only ridiculous but also confounding. Can this honestly be the reason for the end of our friendship- of any friendship?
It’s a sad thing really. I’ve learned the hard way to value the friends, both new and old, that I’ve been privileged to gain along the way. I’ve learned from past mistakes. I’ve learned to fight for these friendships- that being right is of little value when admitting fault for the good of those I care about and love. But for all my good intentions and for all my heartfelt apologies- forgiveness is not always granted. I must accept.
And so, I helplessly watch as another day passes and the awkwardness between us and our mutual friends grows. I believe I’ve done all I can- have attempted to communicate and atone, and have been warned not to do so again. I have been stuck between not wanting to let another day go by without remedying the situation, and wanting to honor my friend’s wishes.
All the while, I’m angered that I appear to be of such little value to my friend that they have completely shunned me, shrouded me in punishing silence and refused eye contact, and chose not to be a part of my birthday. It hurts me deeply. And now knowing the cause makes it all the more upsetting- I cannot help but feel that the crime does not merit the length and depth of this punishment.
But for all that, it appears there’s nothing left for me to do except let go. To acknowledge that even were my apology to be accepted now, there’s little chance I could ever return to the friendship we’ve shared these four years. I only write of it today to mark that such a loss is occurring and that its harm is quite complete.
This is so sad, and beautifully written. It does sound like you have done all you can; perhaps if you let go your friend will realise they’ve made a mistake in being so harsh, and perhaps not. I hope your situation at work improves as it really doesn’t improve your day when these things spill over into the office. And I hope also that you find some comfort in the fact that you’ve done your bit to resolve things – I think this is one where the prayer card tacked to the bathroom mirror applies.
HA! At first I thought, “how does she know that?” and then remembered I’d told you all those months ago. Thank you so much for remembering and for reminding me. Even though the card has been there for over a year and I see it everyday, I’ve forgotten to really LOOK at it and take in what it says.
It’s a comforting thing to think but sometimes it’s difficult to really absorb it and accept the things you can’t change, that’s the hardest part I think. And I know, I was a bit worried that would make me sound a little stalkerish!