Some Kind of Permanence
Sunday, June 21st, 2009
“I get the sense you think I’m going to up and leave you at any moment,” he said with those piercing eyes that see right through me and that slight southern whisper that I tease him about but really love. “It doesn’t have to be that way you know. I can be the constant in your life.”
I have to admit, his “sense” is on target. I’ve been having a hard time trusting that he isn’t going to change his mind about me. I’ve become used to fickleness in the boys that I take an interest in, and I’ve been the fool for believing in the words of disingenuous men. And while these wrongs may be in my past, I’ve grown so protective of my patched up heart that I refuse to be caught unaware again.
I know there’s some logic in that line of thinking. But you can’t ever really prepare yourself for the hurt you think might come, and claiming to have seen it on the horizon all along makes for poor consolation. I know that and yet I’ve been holding out on my apparently well-intentioned boyfriend (see? I did it right there), resigning him to comparison and conjecture. Each time long term plans are scheduled- trips and cookouts with friends and family picnics- I’m noncommittal and cagey. I’ve actually said to myself with a shrug, “if he’s still around.”
The time has come to listen to what his words and actions are telling me, what they’ve already told me. It’s time to not only trust him in my mind but with my heart as well.
Today, without much fanfare or prescience of what I had done, I put our picture in a frame. And then, smiled in recognition of what it meant.
I love this post. I have been exactly in this place several times before. I’ve typed out several other sentences but deleted them all because there’s just nothing else I can add to this.
I’m happy for you
That’s awesome, good job. I remember with my first boyfriend, I went into my diary and marked our 6 month and then 1 year anniversary. Ah, the bliss that ignorance brings! I learnt to not make any markings in my calendar for a long time after that one.
Trust takes a while to build, sounds like he understands that, and you, perfectly. So glad you’ve found someone worth trusting this time.
xoxoxox
I really like this post and it got me thinking about trust. It’s not a matter of time and a given, it’s a matter of experience, what has your experience taught you to believe? I’ve lost trust in my ten year relationship(!), so much that I think “if he’s still around”. I’m glad you’ve taken a step closer to trusting your lovely new beau. I think the trick is isolating your experience with him somewhat from your experience with other partners, although that is much much easier said than done! I wouldn’t like to be judged based on the actions of a previous girlfriend. I will say this though: always trust your instinct. Sounds like yours is telling you you’ve found a good one.
Lucky girl.
Try not to ever let into the temptation not to trust him. Unless HE gives you reason. Allow this relationship the innocence it deserves. It took me so very long to resist punishing good guys, so I kept ending up with the bad ones. Now that I have trust in my relationship, I’ll always protect the pure understanding we have for what the other says and does. With this man at my side and a baby on the way, I can’t imagine what life would have been like if I hadn’t let go of my past and taken the leap of trust & faith. With a great man. Sounds like you may be headed toward the same