Neurosis in Bloom
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009Where have I gone? Why don’t I write? I ask myself those questions with the passing of each day. Sometimes I begin to type, only to give up on the disquiet I pore upon the electronic page.
Now that I’ve found someone truly special, I seem deadset on fucking it up. He’s the kind of boyfriend who listens and encourages me to confide. He supports me in all my sentimental hopes for my little blog that could and is ramping up a new design. He wins over family and friends and coworkers alike. He watches the Gossip Girl finale with me and comes up with the idea for a GG costume party for the season 3 premiere. He even stands blow dryer in hand to dry my repainted nail that got smudged (in the best way possible) before the fancy dress cocktail party.
He’s a keeper, and yet I cast shadows of doubt where there need be none, and I talk too much about former hurts. I appear to have allowed them to eat away at my outlook on relationships. GDF and Emo know all too well my propensity toward cynicism, my “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” It’s pathetic.
I used to be so defiant about these sorts of things- I will NOT have any past negativity preventing any present or future positivity. Yeah, well, what the hell happened to that?
So I’ve been holding back my words. I don’t want to give them more credence than I already do inside my own head. And in the meantime, for all the appearance that I’m looking for a reason not to be with this amazingly thoughtful, respectful, romantic man; the truth is, I just don’t trust myself not to pick, not to fall for, an unavailable and/or dishonest one again. I don’t trust myself anymore to know the real thing when I see it because, well, I never have.
Until now?
I think it’s impossible not to bring your past into your present (and perhaps your future?).
The real key here is being aware of when you’re putting up old walls, or reacting in the old way. It’s like I tell my kids when I’m coaching. You can’t just step on a court and expect all the new stuff you’ve been telling yourself in training to just happen.
First step is recognising when you’re doing it. Then you can change it once in a game. Then the next week, try twice, and so on. Then when you check in on yourself in 6 months, a year’s time, you’re a changed woman.
Take heart from the fact that despite all that’s happened in the past, you’ve put yourself out there, you’ve hoped, you’ve lusted and maybe found something worth changing for.
How great is Ames! You always have such good advice!
All I can say is I totally get it and that I too wait for the other shoe to drop pretty much constantly, it’s half the reason I find relationships so tough. I think when you’re just so used to being let down etc., it’s difficult to relax and not be on the look out for tell tale signs. With me also, I tend to blame myself or feel like I’ve lost the right to complain when I saw something coming and didn’t act. It gets to the point where it’s almost humiliating and you feel you should be “on alert” and not trusting like a fool.
You say you don’t want to write about your fears because you don’t want to give them any more credence and I see your logic there. Maybe you could write about all the really great things in an effort to give them credence (to yourself)?
Ames- I read your words of encouragement on my way home from work last night and they couldn’t have come at a better time. You Aussies are wise. Thank you for being such a caring reader.
Chica- you get it, I know you do. And you’re so so right. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that if only I can see the first signs of the hurt to come, then I won’t be such a fool for being a “believer” and maybe it won’t hurt so much. But the truth is, it only makes it more of a foregone conclusion. And should it not work out, it will still hurt, but with less enjoyment along the way. And…there is so much good and so much possibility to focus on instead. He’s the kind of person I always hoped to meet.
You both have helped me more than you know. Thank you for being there.
i really like what ames said.
and im so, so happy for you lady. you deserve it.