Toolbag Wednesday #21: Angsty Pre-Birthday Tears
Wednesday, April 29th, 2009Yeah, yesterday was kind of a stupid bad day. The kind when nothing seems to work right, when everything is just…off.
It began with the rain actually raining up under my umbrella while I stood waiting fifteen minutes for my bus, only to be splashed by a rabid cab on my walk from said bus to Union Station, where my train was running hella late because a semi ran off the road in a far off place called Libertyville, knocking concrete onto the tracks (no one was hurt). And all day long, I verged on homicidal because I forgot my bobby pin to hold back my hair. My solution involved a paper clip at one point, which gave way to scotch tape (believe me, I don’t care what I look like- it’s the suburbs). So by the time I rolled into calligraphy class, I was shooting daggers at the perky and effusive Brides. Bah.
Which is when I received an email on my BB from a friend (the same one I wished a baby for at Christmastime). Turns out, she’s planned a baby shower for the Saturday of my birthday. It’s well documented by now that I am, in fact, going to hell, so I’ll just say it: WAGH. I know that’s childish and dumb and dumb, but it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to. Now, I know this planning of The Baby Shower has nothing to do with me. It’s not a conspiracy against me, it’s not mean or intentional…it’s a celebration.
But I don’t want to go to a baby shower for my birthday. I go to ALL of those things- I celebrate ALL of those Life Moments that everyone else is having…the engagement parties, the bachelorettes, the wedding showers, the receptions, the birthday parties of husbands, the housewarmings, and now the babies and the coinciding baby showers, baptisms, and birthdays. I realize my whining makes me a bad friend, but I do go to these events because I am happy for my friends. Just like they’re happy for me that I seem to have found a guy who seems to really like me and is actually what you might call “a good one.”
And the thing is, I’m happy to be where I am, happy that I haven’t had any of those celebrations of my own with the wrong person. But, the crack in the foundation is that I don’t have anything else to celebrate…except my birthday. So no, I don’t want to be at a baby shower. I want to be at the spa getting my hair and nails done because I haven’t done that in over a freaking year, then go have champagne and dance with friends all night.
If only it were that easy. If only I didn’t have to go into Planner Mode, but could instead just say, “hey, why don’t we do this?” and just kind of throw it together. My birthday is a full FIVE weeks away and it appears that if I want anyone to share it with, I need to plan it and lock them in now. But the whole idea of having to do so makes me feel all icky and self-important and just…no.
Days like yesterday make me want to put on sweat pants and crawl under a rock (i.e. build a fort under the covers and stay there), which is precisely what I did the minute I walked in my door last night. Yesterday was definitely a toolbag.
sounds like we have bdays sort of around the same time and i so GET what you’re saying about being in planner mode, and having to get people to nail down the plans like, weeks in advance. and the thing is, i have great friends who i adore, but since ive always forever been “the planner,” it’s hard to get out of that role.
im kind of going off topic but i do that a lot.
anyway, i hope that you’re at least able to find some time on your bday to enjoy the stuff YOU want to do! at least showers dont usually go too long. maybe you could work in time for a mani/pedi in the morning, then make the shower, and have time to go out for champagne and dancing still!
happy almost bday!
The invite for the blessed event arrived Friday and it’s going to be mid-morning. I’ll still be able to do all the things I want to do later. BUT, I don’t wanna go to that. I just don’t. I’m a sucky friend.