ISO Guy with Dentist Pen
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009I’ve been to see “He’s Just Not That Into You.” After having read the book and immediately returning it years ago (I was deep in denial when nearly half the book pointed out that my long term relationship was with someone who apparently wasn’t “that into me”), I was prepared to hate this movie.
In fact, I was set to declare it the first Toolbag of 2009. But I just can’t with lines like “if a guy is acting like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit.” (Okay, so he doesn’t give a shit. Great.) Or this one: “at a certain point, if a guy doesn’t marry a girl, he’s a dick.” (Huh. Really?) And this gem: “if I stop dating guys who aren’t nice to me, there won’t be anyone left.” (This makes my everything hurt. Because, honestly, I’ve thought this. And because…it’s sad.)
I can’t hate it because I was that girl in college, in love with a guy who said he was in love with me, but who wasn’t okay with being called my boyfriend. I can’t because I know that desperation that allowed me to accept a cheater back into my life. I can’t because I’ve been that girl on this side of five years, waiting for a proposal that would (rightly) never come. I can’t because I am that girl who’s drowning in the deep end of a dating pool filled with guys who are hot, then cold; sinking me with their slow fade.
I can’t hate it because it’s true. He wasn’t that into me. Neither was he. Nor him. Not even the one I’m writing about these days. If any of them had wanted to be with me, they’d have found a way. It’s what you do. And, well, none of them did.
But maybe someone will one of these days. Maybe some of the guys I meet will like me, a few might even like me a lot, but maybe one will love me. Really love me.
Even though I’m hurting and closed off and don’t know when it’ll feel better, I still wonder sometimes what his name will be.
“If any of them wanted to be with me, they’d have found a way.” It’s harsh, but it’s true, and so difficult to believe at the time, I always think it’s something that I’m doing and that I can change, like if I act a certain way or even if I say the right thing I convince myself I can change his mind about me. Why go to all that trouble for someone who doesn’t get how fantastic you are and that he SHOULD drop everything?
I’m planning a girls night to see the movie. So in need of a girls night!
I wrote that in a recent post of mine: “If NY wants me to be in his life, he will make sure that I am in his life.”
I want him to be in my life, and I am doing my best to keep him there. If he doesn’t reciprocate, well, then he just . . . doesn’t.
It sounds harsh, but if you don’t prepare yourself that way, it will sting even more when he doesn’t. I’m optimistic about it, but I’m not going to place the fate of my happiness squarely on his shoulders.
yeah i have a hard time accepthing those kinds of fact too, this movie is actually such an eye opener
Sweetie, someone is going to love you so much one day that everything you’ve been through–all the hurt and pain and garbage–will somehow seem worth it because it got you exactly where you needed to be.
I once dated a girl for almost a year that I realized, after a couple months, I just wasn’t that into. But she was an amazing person who I really didn’t want to just give up and end the relationship, so I hung in there hoping I’d come around. It just didn’t happen.
It’s almost like there’s an uncrossable wall between loving someone and being IN love with someone, and you’re simply either on one side or the other.
On the flip side, I was mad for another girl, and doing everything imaginable to make it work, and she always kept me at arms length, everytime I took 3 steps toward her, she’d back-peddle 4… or 8
Ahh Love, you bastard you.
I love that you wrote, “I still wonder sometimes what his name will be.” Because he is out there, and he does have a name, and it will be the name that makes you smile every time you hear it for the rest of your life.
I just stumbled upon your blog and am so happy I read this post. My bff and I were talking about this very same thing the other day… she went to see the movie and afterwards advised me not to see the movie for this very reason. I, too have been that girl. I think I might even be that girl now but I am still holding out hope (yes, there’s hope!!!) that it isn’t so.
Its sad, and brutally honest and it hurts, but at the same time realizing these types of truths seems to put things in perspective. I have started telling myself that “if he wants to do these things for me, he will. Not because I bitch or get upset but because he wants to. Idk… it helps me. Or so I tell myself.
he is out there for you honey. you deserve it.
and i think im going to take a pass on this movie. this coming from the girl who was gung ho for it when i first heard about it. i just dont think im that into IT.
Just found your blog… read it in its entirety.
I think I’m into you.
chica- I really don’t want a guy to drop everything for me. I wouldn’t do that for him. But, I want to feel like I matter. And I want (always want, but never have) someone who sees what’s here, knows what it is, and wouldn’t give it up for anything.
LRC- I think it sounds like you’re right on target there. All happiness can’t be placed on a guy. That’s just insane. Seriously and utterly insane. Still have my fingers crossed for you and NY. Did you figure out what he is to bring back for you?
andhari- It IS difficult to accept….even though it makes perfect sense, it’s not like the realization that someone likes you, but not enough, is going to make you feel all warm inside. Sure, maybe you’re not wasting your time, but it still sucks.
kate- Thank you! I totally needed to hear (read?) something like that today. And I know you’re right. It is all a process. And it’s leading me….somewhere.
Ashton- Yup. Been there too. It’s hard when the person is awesome and nice and everything you should want and there’s really no reason NOT to be together. Except that “it” isn’t there. I’ve burned months, even years, in a seeming complacency like that. No more.
Quattro Stelle- Not too cheesy?
You can tell you really love your husband. And based on some of the things I’ve been hearing lately, you are so lucky. Really.
thatgirl- Don’t get me wrong- it’s not a bad movie per se. Importantly, it does leave a viewer with hope and with the idea that there are always exceptions to the rule. But, it still is what it is. It won’t crush your dreams, but it will definitely slap you upside the head.
brookem- thank you for saying that. Really. And I love that you said you’re not that into IT! HA!
M Ward- I’m frightened for you. That’s a whole lotta crazy to take in all at once. But, thanks for throwing a girl a bone.
I won’t lie, that SATC episode definitely changed my perspective on things. Totally opened my eye to another point of view.
Omigosh I know how that girl feels! “If I quit dating guys who are mean to me there won’t be anyone left.” I totally get that! I’ve felt that and been that and it sucked but then I quit looking and discovered how great it was to be SINGLE. So I was single for 10 years because honestly – there was no one worth getting all fluttery over. “Guys” are fun to date as long as when you get bored with them you can just stop calling them back. It was so great to be alone for all those years! I had a ball. And then after that I met a man who really WAS that into me. The sweetest, strongest, most wonderful left-handed redhead in the entire world. He almost had to jump up and down and shout to get my attention, but now we’re married.
Not that marriage is the end of the story, but it kinda settled the “into me” thing once and for all.
It didn’t happen until I was 38 years old. Maybe it’s not about us. Maybe it’s about them.