Nic Narrates

I’d say we’re due for a tonal shift around these parts, so rather than indulge in yet another Lonely Girl post (like how I slipped in the Gossip Girl reference? Except I despise that self-righteous Lonely Boy Dan Humphrey), why not talk about ass? Yes, ass. As in, “it’s smells like ass,” or “dude’s an asshat,” this “sucks ass,” or “ass crack of dawn.”

Did you ever wonder what that’s all about exactly? How each instance of “assery” came to be a part of the vernacular? Maybe you don’t, but sometimes I do.*

Understandably, something, someone, or some place can totally smell like ass. That I get. Even though when you think about it, it’s kinda gross. I mean, does it really smell like you’re in the presence of the dookie? (Yes, I just typed that.) Like, it’s sitting right over there; no, not there, but there…on the carpet…in the cube adjacent. (It actually might be.)

And then there’s “asshat.” A fine piece of nomenclature, true; especially for the entertaining imagery that springs to mind. Picture it: an ass (let’s say it’s a man’s and it’s bare because somehow that’s more comical), stuck out just far enough to balance a top hat on it. What about a person is so “assy” that it brings to mind a top-hat-balancing-ass? And, more importantly, who was it that one day decided there was no other way to describe whomever it was that was “assing it up” except to say “asshat”?

Another odd and gross application of ass is one I myself used only yesterday in classifying just how…shitty? long distance relationships are. I mean, what could be worse than literally doing the deed? Ass suckage I mean. No way, no how, nah uh.

And lastly, my discussion of ass wouldn’t be complete without “ass crack of dawn.” A phrase that can only describe the hour upon which I must wake up in order to arrive at work nearly two hours later. Out the door in darkness, I can see the sunrise over the lake from a bus seat as I head into the Loop…to cross a bridge…to board a train…to walk to work. Ass crack. Of dawn.

Speaking of, I get that it means in the middle of nowhere, but why is it “butt-fucking Egypt?”

*Maybe it’s thoughts like these that begin to explain why I’m single…..

Filed under: "work", city encounters, creative time management, educating the masses, hellacious fun, hooray for sunshine, I heart vocab, in transit, neither here nor there, public transportation, things people say by Nic