The One in Which I Totally Lose My Shit
Wednesday, February 4th, 2009Remember when Big had to move to Paris for work and (after her initial freak out) Carrie was all “We can make this work. And if things get really bad, I’ll move there too and write Le Sex in the City?”
Yeah, I’m there right now. I’m my own giant plate of crazy this morning. It’s Toolbag Wednesday and I may just be this week’s candidate. Seriously.
See, the impetus for the break up was this: long distance sucks ass (we’re in different time zones) and he decided he can’t be in a relationship like that after all. As it were, he was just promoted and there is NO possibility that he could move here within a year’s time as we discussed. So, he read the writing on the wall. Other than that, same feelings on his part and mine, same chemistry, same everything. I asked and he answered; if I were there or he here, no break up.
So now I’m deep into the I-Don’t-Care-About-My-Pride-Or-Dignity-I’m-Going-To-Text/ Call/ Email-If-I-Feel-Like-It Phase. Before you prep your Caps Lock key in response, please know that in general I won’t act on that impulse because I don’t want to be the “psycho ex-girlfriend.” That said, I did slip up and texted him yesterday: “Even though you aren’t my boyfriend anymore, I still miss you. I do- especially now that you’re not going to be here in a few days.”
Of course he didn’t respond. Why would he? We broke up. I know this. And he’s trying to get over me too. I also know this (eek- maybe he is already?). This is why having those god damned “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie trailers slap me across the face every time I turn on the TV is making me want to throw my hummus and pita bread at the screen.
While (thus far) I’ve refrained from throwing any Middle Eastern food, I’ve instead hatched a “solution” to our little predicament. I’ll tell you, dear readers, I’m laughing at myself over this one, so by all means have at it.
I’ve gotten it into my idiotic I’ll-Do-Anything-For-Love head that why can’t I go there? I have some family there, am SICK to death of the Chicago dating scene and want no part of it anymore, it’s actually warm and sunny (though it’s definitely no Paris) as opposed to the artic blast of winter hell here, my job is going NOWHERE (although I’m still lucky to have one), and my lease is up at the end of April anyway. All I’d need to do is find a job (right- because that’s so easy amidst the worst recession in a quarter century) and get a car (with all that money I don’t have laying around) and be on my merry way.
See? Told you. I’m spinning.
For now, I’ve managed to sit on this hair-brained scheme. I KNOW how seriously stupid and STUPID this “solution” is. He didn’t ask me to move there. He wouldn’t. And if a friend of mine just described a similar situation to me, I’d tell her “No. NO, NO, NO, NO….NOOOO.” And then, I’d shake some sense back into her. Maybe even smack her around a little bit.
People, talk me down from the ledge. Please.
Shit. I wish I could help you out here. I’m going through something similar because I fear that it’s inevitable that NY will move back to, well, New York. And if he doesn’t even casually suggest that he might think it’s pretty rad if I eventually moved my cute little ass up there, well I am going to lose my shit as well.
Hmmm, I’m seeing the first episode of Felecity all over again, except your hair is probably better and you’re more together than her.
I am one of the biggest romantics out so I say go…IF (and it’s a big if) there’s something seriously great about this guy and what you have. And if all the other crap falls into line, aka employment. Life is for living afterall…
Damn I was supposed to tlak you down wasn’t I????
OMG (sorry, had to break that out, and in caps no less). I think this is the worst phase of the whole break up thing, the absolute physical NEED to text/contact the other person. So, maybe this solution is as a result of that feeling and your wish to act on it will pass? That said, I know I would move for love. I’d see it as an adventure. But I think women in general are far too apt to make all the sacrifices in relationships, and it pisses me off. You need something from him too, but I wouldn’t immediately dismiss the whole idea as stupid. Premature, maybe? I obviously don’t know any details but it seems like he was supposed to be moving there within a year and in the meantime you’d do long-distance? What if you suggested that it was a possibility you could relocate there within a year if all went well and the long-distance resumed? Argh. Why are things always so complicated?
To be honest though I really think you deserve not only to be asked to move there but BEGGED.
TVs are not partial to hummus.
Sometimes it’s okay to leap from a ledge; sometimes it’s self-destruction. I don’t have advice. Only questions:
1. How would you describe the length of your relationship? How much cumulative time have you spent together? Days? Weekends? Weeks? Months? Does this time seem adequate for a step of this magnitude? Ie., have you already seen through that “honeymoon” period that every new relationship goes through?
2. If you do move out there and the relationship should fail, what then? Will you be able to look yourself in the eye and honestly say you moved out there for you, and not for a guy?
3. Is it really the person that you love, or is it what he represents? Ie., a chance to leave behind a job you see as having little future, a chance to declare complete geographic independence from the London ex, an opportunity to shed the Chicago dating scene (and weather), a chance for a change of scenery?
4. To what degree, if any, would moving out there sabotage the relationship by putting you in a subservient role where your needs are always sacrificed for his, or deemed less important?
LRC- Oh no! I thought NY was coming back? To stay? Fingers crossed.
Ames- I used to watch that show all the time until she cut her hair off, but I’m drawing a blank on the first episode. Guessing she moved there for a dude and they broke up?
Chica- I’ve been wondering that myself. Maybe it IS just a result of the STUPIDEST BREAK UP ever. Granted, there’s valid reasons. But it’s still stupid that it can’t work out. Or maybe just that he can’t stick it out? Hmmmm….
OTWA- How does it go exactly? “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us?”
Of course I’ve thought of each and every question you pose. And in general, 1) Hardly any, no and no; 2) I’d be okay with that actually and honestly? Yes; 3) Hardest question plaguing EVERY relationship I’ve ever had, yes, yes, and yes; and 4) Maybe a lot and, that’s not his character at all.
Somehow, it’d be okay. Somehow, it’s something that’s got me asking, why not? I could honestly go anywhere. Anywhere I choose.
But then, he doesn’t even know I’ve fallen for him…
Oh boy. Red flags are racing up poles. I’ve seen both sides of this. My dude moved to San Francisco for me (after 5 years together). All went well for me: school, job, money, friends; all sucked ass for him. We broke up and he moved away. A year later, I moved to Arkansas for him, and we’re the picture of domestic bliss.
If you do this, you have GOT to have your shit together. Have a job before you get there. Your relationship is not long or strong enough for him to have to support you financially, even for a month. Maintain your independence or he will resent you. Oh, and have a job before you get there.