Pantene Doesn't Make a Shampoo for This
Saturday, January 31st, 2009I hate the morning after a break up. After I’ve spent the night fitfully sleeping, only to have my eyes flick open at the last possible second of forgiving unconsciousness and be greeted by that pitiless reminder, “Yup. Still broken up.” I hate that.
The underbelly of yesterday’s rage-aholic anger is that I’m feeling beaten down. It’s bigger than this break up, it’s not all for him, and it’s also been pent up. I feel like I’ve been going through a break up for the last year of my life and I’m exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted. My heart is tired, my eyes are tired, my skin is tired, my hair is tired. There’s no way else to put it. Can I be done now? Please?
I’ve worked really hard to do everything the books and the movies, my friends, family, and therapist have told me to do. Everything you’re supposed to do. I’ve done it. All of it. I joined a gym, traveled, planned lots of things with my friends, made up some new dating rules, spent time alone, made time for more reading, writing, and cooking, redecorated my apartment, eventually tried dating again, stayed positive and optimistic, and refused to become jaded and bitter.
And I’ll keep doing all of that. And I’ll do more. I’ll finally finish framing and hanging those pictures from my travels. I’ll find 8,000 other books I’ve been meaning to read. I’ll actually think about getting a dog. I’ll plan another trip somewhere alone and an Oscar-viewing party with friends. And I’ll go have brunch with my married friends this morning and refuse to wallow into my coffee cup.
I’ll do all of it. All over again. Because it’s what you do when it ends. Because there isn’t anything else to do about it. Because I’ve gotten used to it, to this place, to being this single girl.
But for right now, all I feel is pessimistic defeat. Here I am. Again. Of course.
You might be on to something…Pantene SHOULD make a shampoo for this. Why not a whole product line devoted to breakups? It’s brilliant marketing…Not just “Breakup” Shampoo, but “Some Other Guy Is Pulling it Now” Conditioner, “You Coulda Had This” Lip Gloss, “There Really IS Something in My Eye” Eye Liner, “Softest Skin You’ll Never Touch Again” Lotion…it’ll take that whole “wash than man right outta my hair” slogan to the nth degree…
Keep taking care of you. Keep being comfortable in your own skin. Do it for you, because of you…no “him”s in the equation.
Don’t let any of it change the buoyancy of your being.
PS. I’ve heard eating movie nachos helps.
Definitely haven’t had enough movie nachos in my life of late! Especially of the nacho briefcase variety.
Also, I’m buoyant? Really?
Karma’s a bitch.
Karma is a bitch, isn’t it? But as snide as your comment is, I have to thank you. You’ve reminded me, even amidst another break up, how much better off I am than a year ago.
Wow, you are a stalker magnet! Can’t even escape them by moving blogs, you sure have magnetism girl!
There’s no ‘of course’ about this by the way. Deflated as you feel right now, hopeless as it all seems, I am holding the hope for you until you’re ready to come and claim it back.
Oh, and your observe can go observe elsewhere. That really annoys the crap out of me!
Ames- You’re holding hope for me until I claim it back….how lovely! I very much like the notion of that. Thank you.
Srsly. Let’s get boozes.
Nic-
Just give up. I don’t mean that in a jaded, bitter, cruel or sarcastic way. I mean just give up. Give up trying to make it happen. Give up hoping upon hope that the next guy is The One. Find something else in life that will make it okay IF it never happens. Get the dog, volunteer with kids, write the book…anything, everything. Just try as best you can to get to a place where is doesn’t consume you. I was like you for so many years. The turning point? The worst, most deceitful relationship I have EVER been in. The person? Take a guess. Yep, you got it. I realized that my intense desire for a relationship resulted in me attracting damaged, needy, unhealthy, dishonest men.
Never again. I gave up. I made my home just that- MY HOME, not a temporary dwelling I was waiting in until my man came to take me away- or, better yet, moved in with me. I applied to be a foster parent in the hope that it would stop, or at least slow down, my pounding clock. I stopped caring so much. Why? Because I finally realized I would rather be single than in a bad relationship. I mean that. I’d rather be single than be in a bad relationship.
Now? I’ve been dating someone for 5 months. The best relationship I have had. No drama. No BIG red flags. I trust him. HE trusts ME. I am getting to know him, and he is getting to know me. I don’t know yet if we will spend our lives together. I think there is a good chance. What I know now? It feels really good to go this long with someone who treats me as well as I treat him. I didn’t go into it with that HUGE GUSH of love I’ve felt so many times before. I realize now, when I have felt that, it wasn’t about the guy, but who I hoped he was. Today, I feel it. And it’s been long enough, and we have experienced enough, that I can say I LOVE HIM. Not who he tried to pretend to be or who I wanted, hoped, prayed he would be. I love HIM. BIG TIME. You deserve the same. You will have it. Just give up. He will find you.
I’m not going to give you any advice on how to feel better, because I know from my own experiences that sometimes, you just have to let yourself feel crappy. Sometimes, being ultra-positive and fine and dandy with being single/this shitty relationship, is the most exhausting thing. But do know that the feeling will subside “this too shall pass”, and the value of all those things you’re doing will come back to you. I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve felt like this and maybe it won’t be the last. You just have to ride it, and yes – it sucks.
Also, I have to say you deal with the haters with real class. So actually, I do have one piece of advice: when you feel down, just remember how much better it is to be you than it must be to be them.