Nic Narrates

Which candidate would you rather have a beer with? For serious.

This is the question that some voters, swing voters it is said, consider a legitimate means to picking their candidate. Now, before I go all CAPS LOCK on your ass, I’d like to at least say:

Hooray for voting! Vote, vote, vote!

That said, these people are freaking TOOLBAGS. Toolbags who are turning the PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION into a glorified run for prom king.

Call it what you will, but the “likability factor” should not be how one decides who ought to be the next PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY. Votes should be based on FACTS, not a FEELING. Votes should be based on a candidate’s stance on the economy, foreign policy, education, and health care. With even the tinsiest bit of research, one can see that McCain and Obama are not carbon copies of one another.

Whats more, and I hate to break it to you would-be swing voters out there, the President isn’t ever gonna be your drinking buddy. I know, I know, it’s very sad; yes, I’ve crushed your dreams. I’m a dream crusher, it’s what I do.

But take heart- considering some of the winners I’ve sat across from during a couple rounds of speed quarters or played a few hands of Asshole with, why the hell would you want the person who RUNS OUR COUNTRY to be the kind with whom you’d knock back a few beers?

Voters like this scare me. With the next election a mere 26 days away, I worry that they’ll cast their ballots as they did in ’04 (I mean, let’s face it, Kerry probably doesn’t even drink beer, so that wasn’t a fair contest anyway).

If I could, I’d ask them, the ones who not only elected but re-elected our fine President; how’d that work out for ‘ya? Still think there’s weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Oh, and how’s your retirement fund faring these days? Your mortgage rate? Gas and heating bill? The amount you’re paying for groceries?

In all seriousness though, none of this is at all funny. Or even mildly entertaining. The uncertainty is scary, the reality sad, and the space between the two just sobering enough to know it’s the end of an era. Hell, given the current state of the “American Dream,” maybe we really DO need to crack open a few or twelve (if we can afford it).

Besides, everyone already knows that Obama is clearly the one you’d get your drink on with anyway. Huh. Come to think of it, what I meant to say was, carry on.

Filed under: educating the masses, everyone should read more, going postal, haterade, is janky the same thing as wonky?, no jokes, poor choices, so what if i scream?, things people say, toolbaggery, vote on, WTF by Nic