Unfiltered
Saturday, August 30th, 2008His name flashes on my caller ID. His voice is on my voicemail.
“I was just thinking of you,” he says breezily.
“I was thinking how nice it would be to see you, to talk to you again.”
And then, “I miss you.”
I didn’t want to hear it. Any of it. I had steeled my heart against his words before they were spoken, willing myself to avoid temptation. But it never came.
Instead, I dropped the phone on the couch cushion beside me, angrily shaking my head as tears welled up and my lower lip jutted forward like it did when I was five.
“No. No, no, no, no. NO,” I whispered, then whimpered aloud to the empty room.
He always does this. His timing is impeccable. And I still don’t trust myself. Even after everything. Even how I feel today, this minute, more than five months after it ended.
I know better than to think I can quit smoking and still have a few casual cigarettes while I drink.
I just wanted to say thank you for those who have provided comments to me in private about this post. I sincerely appreciate your kind wishes and messages of strength, and return them in kind.
Wow, have you had a rollercoaster lately!? Knowing nothing about you or him except what you’ve chosen to impart here, allow me to stick my nose in. (feel free to entirely disregard!)
Don’t do it. You are strong. You are confident and you can have the life you want. Don’t fall for it. You have aligned your life and can have whatever your heart desires.
Thinking of you this week as I’m sure it will be a tough one…
xoxoxo
PS: Might I suggest changing your number? He he he