Bad Bridesmaid: Part 2
Monday, February 18th, 2008
Throw out the bride magazine. You’re not getting married. You’re not planning a wedding. Go into the living room, dig it out from under the stack of Vogues, and toss the damn thing into the trash. NOW.
Somewhere over the last few months as I’ve helped friends plan their weddings I’ve picked up a few “harmless” bride magazines. To help with making Mara’s veil, I innocently told myself. Really. To help Junior High Friend find a dress. To help…to help…
I should have known better. I should have known what easy prey I’d be; how quickly I’d get sucked into the wedding vortex. I’m in a five-year relationship and am asked weekly by coworkers and friends if I’m engaged yet. Or pregnant. Or moving in.
But I’m not any of those things. And I’ve been a fool about it. I’ve gotten so caught up in what everyone else is doing that I’ve deluded myself into thinking it was a foregone conclusion for us. But it turns out that’s not where we are at all- where we may ever be.
It sucks to admit that. It sucks to catch myself planning ahead for a future with someone who still isn’t sure about me. Someone who is in no hurry to get on with a life together. Recognizing that, I’m angry at myself for having the stupid magazines in the first place, for setting myself up like that. It’s not my celebration after all. It belongs to my friends.
I wish I was okay with it being that way. But honestly, I don’t think I am.
In the last 6 months no less than 12 people I know have gotten engaged. Six of them work with me so you can imagine our lunch conversations.
I’m in that boat with you, catching myself assuming that we should be there, skipping 10 steps ahead. I’m constantly pulling myself back.
The one thought that comforts me is that when I get married it will be 40 or 50 years worth, this time now is not that long in the grand plan, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts.