Nic Narrates

A while back I was in one of those “I’m feeling blah and not too sexy” slumps (living in sweat pants on my couch while watching America’s Next Top Model marathons on MTV could have been part of the problem there), so I went to Victoria’s Secret and went a bit bonkers.

I bought oodles and oodles of thongs and v-strings and boy shorts and I don’t-even-know-what-they’re-calleds, and for the most part, it seems to have done the trick. I’m wearing enough synthetic colorful lace and string to feel almost scandalous under my trouser pants.

But holy f*ck this “Sexy Little Things” lace and fishnet “low-rise” thong is uncomfortable! Sure, it looks all pretty and lacy, but in reality it’s riding up in a really anatomically inappropriate way. It’s going where no thong has gone before. And I’ve got news for you “Victoria” (if that’s even your real name), you can keep your “secret” because that shit ain’t good.

As for me, I’m just sitting here at my desk, minding my own business, while my bastard thong has to go and get all uppity. It’s making me COMPLETELY irrational and fussy. I can see it now: “Please excuse Nic from the Product Development meeting this afternoon. Her thong was misbehaving and had to be taken home for the rest of the day.” Great.

The truth is, these underoos are just plain hateful. Hateful, I tell you. In fact, they pump the keg of haterade. They don’t even support the troops- nay, they hate the troops. And they think global warming and Al Gore are both frauds and instead happily drive an SUV shrieking, “what carbon footprint, you fools?!” Also, if this thong were a Democratic presidential nominee, I’d vote Republican. Yeah. It’s that bad.

As for feeling sexy in this “Sexy Little Thing:” I gotta say, not so much.

Filed under: going postal, haterade, WTF by Nic