Nic Narrates

As the coordinating member of the office Activity Team, it is my festive duty next week to announce the sign up for our Third Annual “Secret S!&$@.”

Not that it comes as much of a surprise to anyone these days, but we’re not allowed to call it that: “Secret Santa” (which, I must add, is what everyone calls it anyway). Instead, it has been known as the “Secret Holiday Gift Exchange” since its inception.

During the planning meeting, however, it came to light that my fellow team members believe a renaming is in order. I couldn’t have agreed more! Joyously, I suggested “Secret Santa.” But, as it turns out, they had something altogether different in mind. Here are their suggestions:

• Secret Buddy
• Secret Elf
• Secret Stalker
• Winter Solstice
• Holiday Hunter
• Holiday Buttons
• Operation Stocking Stuffer
• Secret Stocking Stuffer
• Gracious Giving
• Secret Gift Swap
• Mystery Gift
• Holiday Bear
• Secret Booty

As I sat in the conference room, silently jotting down their ideas, it took everything I had to remain calm and consider each with feigned sincerity. Inside, my mind was screaming, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! SECRET BOOTY? SECRET STALKER? REALLY?” The brainstorming had clearly run amok. I wisely avoided eye contact for the remainder of the meeting and suddenly became absolutely and completely engrossed in the retracing of each letter of every word in my notebook.

Faced with the challenge of renaming and rebranding the “Secret S!&$@” in less than a week, I’m at a crossroads. Do I try to name it something that won’t make me burst into pee-my-pants-laughter? Or do I join the natives (my apologies- I mean the indigenous people) and condone, nay encourage, the cheesiest, most puke-worthy nomenclature possible?

The way things are shaping up, the former option seems next to impossible, while the latter- in particular “Secret Buddy,” “Holiday Buttons,” or “Holiday Bear”- certainly could do the trick.

Filed under: "work", poor choices, work in progress by Nic